I love this necklace that showed up in a beautiful box on my doorstep today........a gift from my friend Janet, a necklace that I will wear forever and ever and ever, I think....sorry about the weird black blurb at the top...that's my lens..this is a lovely self-portrait....
Sheesh, I don't know where to start. I can tell you that this is going to be a long post because I can't start telling you what I'm going to tell you without finishing it.....and, I just havent' known the right time....but...today was just a serendipitous day and I just finally want to share....today started out with that box at my door and all day I have been seeing what little miracles have been unfolding in their own time....for months and months and months.
Heee heee heee ha ha ha......do you like the name of my post? Sounds so final and terse....well, it sort of is...it's gotta be.
Let me show you something that I made last Spring. Looking back, it was during a whole divinely orchestrated week that only now am I beginning to see as a perfectly fitting puzzle piece. This little piece of metal art I made...with a torch and solder and lots of patience, with help from my new and very special friend...the fabulous Stephanie Lee, at her workshop in Los Angeles......was made a few days after I was faced with a giant, enormous, life changing and absolutely devastating/wonderful decision...and everything flowing out of me came out in plain words, ones that I could not MISunderstand.....most of them were FLY FLY FLY and GO GO GO and biggest of all....IT IS TIME.....but...here's what I made.....
Can you see that it says WON'T BE BACK? -can you see there's a big diamond in the middle of the cage??? ...... can you see that the rusty old tarnished birdie is ME??? why would I fly away from a safe cage with a diamond in the middle?
well...
Because it was time.
Well.......at the moment that I made this little cage.. I was making a contract with myself that no matter what happened.....I would stay true to the decision I had just made......
And...let me tell you, it has been hard to not fly back into that cage....or some other cage....cages typically come with a hand that feeds them.....free birds gotta make their own way.... Times are tough for a free birdie these days......
HERE'S THE DEAL...
It still has not been made public so I won't go into all of the details, close family and friends know...but as of last April.......I am no longer with Chatterbox....the company I founded and built and love, and after I was done running it and owning it, I had a wonderful contract to lead the vision of it and design all of the products....in April, it was time for that to be over.....not sure the future of my tender and sweet and oh-so-been-through-the-ringer company....but, I will sure let you know as details unfold...I really love and respect the people who own the brand now, and know that they will do what's best for Chatterbox.....For now...the information that is mine is that as a family, it was time for me to go and to do what's been in my heart for a very long time.....
WHAT IT'S LIKE....
Well, holy moly...I sure didn't know that it would be like this. I knew I needed to get out of any restraints, any confines, I needed to be able to do and say and create and build what has been stirring inside of me. I knew Marq and I needed to have our own business again. I think that a part of me expected that once I made that really really REALLLLY hard decision, that the hard part was over....but man, oh man...I'm here to tell you...the hard part is STICKING with the decision.
....and then the decisions that we keep getting confronted with (do you know how happy I am to be back to a "we" instead of a "me"...I really missed my husband) Decisions like GREAT new job offers....newer, shinier cages with bigger diamonds inside...........
....it would be easy (or easIER) if things were easy on the outside...but as I wrote about in the last posts.....we have been confronted with these decisions, which feel more like little "tests" at the craziest possible time...I mean, I still don't have a car....we are still living on a shoestring............and, hey...I don't need to mention the economy.......seems like I should take a really great job offer when it comes up....but, where does that put me? Back in the cage....distracted from the stirrings deep in the beat of my heart that I know for sure are coming straight from heaven....
I have been working my tail-feathers off, though....freelancing like crazy from home for lots of different companies (which has been so fun but OH SO MUCH WORK!) and getting OUR big projects off the ground with all the time that's left....it's just things that have required sacrifice and discipline. Me + discipline = STRUGGLE......but, I am learning learning learning it.....I AM BEING BRAVE. I have been managing all of my own deadlines and putting my own deals together and I am actually pretty darn proud of myself for not missing a deadline yet!
So...anyway...here's more....I go through ups and downs.......pretty normal. I kick myself some days for taking the road less traveled. I get scared. I feel stupid and worn out lots of days......I feel utterly paralyzed some days with the sheer vastness of the open skies once you are out of a cage............where do you fly to? Where do you build a nest now that you are a nest person? Where do you get your food? Where does the wind go when you are riding it? How does all of this work??????? Each of these questions are equally lame because WE HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE...it's just that....last time we were here...we were young and naive and had no kids and didn't know how mean and crazy and dangerous the world could be.........and, I just have sorta forgotten the answers to all of these questions....
But then I just get really really really quiet. And...I even started to just watch what birdies do...I don't think they really ask these sorts of innane, time-wasting questions....they just listen, they have instincts....they don't worry (or at least I coudln't tell if they were worrying) We are people though...we don't have bird brains.....we have big hearts and big brains and books and other people and we can do it........we ARE DOING IT....
So, when I get really really REALLY quiet....I know for sure that when I did the BIG BRAVE THING of flying out of the cage so I could WORK FROM HOME and STOP TRAVELING all the time and start BRAVE GIRLS CLUB and expand MELODY ROSS DESIGNS, and write several books that I have been working on for years...and BE A MOM, and BE A WIFE...and get back some of the 5 years that I lost with Marq..........when I listen.....I know it's right...and that as brave as that decision was...the bravest thing I will ever do, is to stay true to that decision. (well, when I make bread from scratch for the first time this weekend, that will be a new all time bravest for me)
Oh, and we just celebrated our 19th Anniversary and the MIRACLE of a 100% recovery after 5 years since his traumatic brain injury....
I can tell you that even though Marq and I are scraping together EVERY penny from everywhere, doing any kind of work and taking all sorts of odd jobs...he's welding and building and tractoring for people...I'm designing and photographing and consulting for people........and we live week to week and we are just as "broke" as we were when we first got married..........WE ARE SO HAPPY. It's a whole DIFFERENT kind of happiness...one that's mixed with peace and comfort and without burden and shackles and locks...we have each other to take care of, and to rely on....WE HAVE EACH OTHER (please don't ever ever EVER take that for granted) we can hold on to each other for dear life...adn laugh and work and play and plan...and beyond that, the world is big and wide and full of possibility again.....unencumbered.
Ok...so, on to the box that came today..............the last few days, as I am in between projects, I have again been making myself crazy thinking about taking an easier way than building up our dream life again from scratch........(it's taking a while and I am impatient!!!).....I have been doubting myself...when I do that...I have to think about the cage again.......so.....I painted/collaged this piece for my bedroom....
NEVER HERE AGAIN!!!! One of the things it says (there are all sorts of words painted into the backgroundI is MAKE YOUR OWN DEFINITIONS....I was thinking while I was painting this that to survive this decision, and this new life we are building...we are going to have to make new definitions for success, and security, and beauty...sort of make our own language...now remember I said that....
I'll tell you another sort of embarassing, pathetic thing about myself lately...I have sorta been feeling like God has maybe not had as much time as He used to for our family...now that Marq is all better, I sorta just have stopped asking.......and then, when I'm tired of being college-student poor...and I'm riding my bike to the store because I have no car, or, some other sob story....I start feeling sorry for myself, because I feel like maybe our days of miracles are over...because He sure got our family through a LOT of horrible stuff...and maybe there's a quota or something......and we reached ours. We were sort of God's problem child for way too many years, it felt like....and He got us on our feet enough to survive, then He moved on.....and I really miss Him.
I have been thinking about that a lot, and even having little talks with God about it. I ask if He still knows that we are here, that we are working hard, but we still don't know exactly where to fly to.I tell him we still struggle but we are just SO THANKFUL to have our family in-tact again.....I ask Him if I made the right decision...if I am on track...I ask Him if He is proud of me. I haven't felt like I have gotten a big answer in a long time..........but, I haven't tried as hard as I used to either....
today I got a big answer that I could feel from the time I opened the box..........oooooohhhh, and tasted the chocolate covered popcorn that was in it.
First....let me tell you about WHO send the box...my friend Janet...we have never met in person. We will SOON, YAY!!!!...she lives across the country. I think we found each other because she found my blog once a long time ago...then we became facebook friends...then we started chatting online and writing...then we realized we are kindred spirits......we laugh and joke and she is hilarious and insightful and brilliant...and for months and months she's been telling me she has this great package of stuff to send and she still doesn't know why she hasnt' sent it.....but....then, last week, she told me she finally sent it............I knew it was gonna be great but I didn't know that THE TIMING for it to arrive needed to be today when I was asking about the cage again....and
mind you....I have not discussed any of this with Janet...nor has she seen my obsession with bird cages lately...
here's what was in the box..... the cutest little birdie, ever......I love her little legs, she can sit or stand...I am in love with her....
these sweet little treasures, with an incredibly touching card with just the words I needed to hear......and a quote to hang on my bulletin board that I will treasure forever.....
and then...
there was also the chocolate covered popcorn...which....only lasted about 3 minutes....so there's no photo..but it was really beautiful, sinfully fattening and totally delicious....
and of course, my new favorite necklace....
BUT
I started to cry when I peeled the layers and layers of tissue paper and got to the bottom layer to find THIS.....and THIS.....
So, my friends, the answer is YES........and sure, coulda been a coincidence, but as our dear friend Alfred Einstein always said..you can live your life as nothing is a miracle, or you can live your life as everything is a miracle.
I guess I wanted to tell you A.) that I'm not with Chatterbox anymore...and B.) that you NEVER know when you are gonna be someone's miracle......when you have the answer to the question they have been asking...when God is gonna use you to answer the prayers He's hearing...............so, I hope you'll listen, listen listen......OH...and C.) that God doesnt' forget about you...or your family, EVER. EVER..........He knows, He plans, He sees, He hears, He's there....always and forever.............
Yay for that and Yay for life.......and YAY for new beginnings and nest living and learning how to soar and where to soar and how to cook worms.................
xoxoxoxo
melody
THE NECKLACE SAYS "BE" and that's all we really have to do.....just BE......
