September 16, 2006
Relationship Solutions & Juggling Breakables......
As promised (but a day late...been busy rejuvinating my marriage!) here's Chapter 2 in the book about marriage that I'm writing for my kids.....and for me!
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Never Give Up
Dear Brock, Malary, Madi, Max & Mitch….
Here’s secret #2 to having a happy marriage…”Never Give Up”
It wouldn’t be honest, at all, to say that there won’t be times in your marriage when you feel like throwing in the towel….just know that it’s totally normal. There will be times when you are just bored because neither of you have worked on staying in love, you’ve let lots of little things pile up until there’s a mountain of them…and there will be times that are much much bigger….times when a lot of people WOULD throw in the towel….that’s when you figure out the meaning of unconditional love…that you gotta love whether you’re getting everything out of it that you are wanting back or not…just love for the sake of loving…love because you promised you would…..that’s when those vows, promises, covenants get severely tested….the best thing you can do before you get married is set your boundaries….then do everything you can within those boundaries to make things work….to never, ever give up.
The boundaries part is important….and I want to talk a little bit about that before I begin. There are things in all human relationships, and especially in marriage, that are simply unacceptable. I would help dad through any problem that he ever had, I really believe that….as long as his true intention was to make our marriage thrive. People make mistakes, and that is understandable…painful but understandable. But, you have to set boundaries for what you will put up with beyond that….I am saying this because, in the naivety of my twenties, I really thought that divorce was not an option….that any marriage could be worked out……….now, after watching 3 people that I love very much TRY EVERYTHING to make their marriages work…and I mean everything…..then just suffer heartbreak because their partners ultimately were not interested in making the marriage work…..the best alternative for them was to split up. You have to set those boundaries for yourself. I hope that you’ll set boundaries of complete fidelity, of shared values…that you’ll set a boundary that you’ll always be what your spouse chooses first….that you won’t tolerate addictions, you’ll help them through them, but you won’t tolerate the acceptance of them. Those are boundaries I hope you’ll set.
That being said….I really hope for you that you’ll choose someone, ahead of time, who is dedicated to putting their marriage first for the rest of their life….you deserve someone who wants nothing more than for you to be happy and comfortable and fulfilled….and, if you are dedicated to making their life happy and comfortable and fulfilled, I am absolutely confident that you’ll be able to find someone who wants the same for you…just remember it’s a two way street…and that as long as the intention was there sincerely from the beginning, you can almost always revive it if you work on it yourself.
Dad and I made a contract when we were engaged….we handwrote it…with little doodly hearts…and it said that we would never even SAY divorce….that we’d never consider that an option….that we’d always look for a better way, and never a way out……like I said, we were kids and we had no idea what was ahead for us….we just knew that we were completely in love and we never wanted anything to shake it….and if anything ever did…we would only focus on solutions, not on the problems……we’ve pretty much made that happen….not always completely smoothly….but we’ve never even threatened each other or entertained the idea of giving up…and as you know….things have not always been easy. When dad got sick in 2004, he really had no interest in anything…not even me. Sickness is different, and complex…..I knew his real intentions, I knew the real him…..this trial we went through and that we’re still trying to get through as I write this has been a test of our love….and it’s completely within our boundaries…..it’s been painful and there were lots of days that I didn’t think I could keep going…..lots of them….I had to pull myself back up and remember who I am and what we had promised and what I really wanted when all was said and done…..and, what Dad and I both want is to be together forever……even if it’s not always easy and fun…..there’s a lot of wisdom in “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health”…..you might think when you are blissfully in love that it could mean that you might have to move somewhere you don’t like in a job transfer, or that you’ll feed your honey some chicken noodle soup when they are sick………..you’d never imagine that you might have to take care of a chronic illness for the rest of your life and theirs…..or that all of your dreams can shatter and every ‘thing’ that you’ve worked for together your whole life can be taken away…or you can lose children or never be able to have children…..but those things happen……and lots of marriages fall apart because of it…..and it is so sad….but marriage is hard….please know that…it’s very very hard to stay in love through some of these difficulties…it’s hard but it’s worth every bit of effort that it entails….and pretty much everything worthwhile in life is just like that…..
“Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory”. –Gandhi
Do you know what? With every opportunity that I’ve had in life, traveling all over the world and working hard to make my big dreams come true, and giving birth to all of you….when people ask me what my biggest accomplishment is, I always have to say that it is ‘staying married and staying in love….” Because like I said, it is hard work…..
It really helps to consider that your marriage is a lot like your body….commit to your marriage that way…that you’ve got to take care of it because it’s the only one you’ve got….that you can’t just run out and get another one….but that if you take care of it….it will be beautiful and will take you joyfully through life…..
Understand that we all go through phases and stages….hormones, depression, stress, disappointments, sickness, confusion……people have ups and downs and sometimes they last for hours…sometimes days…sometimes years…just focus on the intention…..that usually people ARE doing their very best, even if their effort seems measly…..and not on what’s happening in the moment…focus on solutions and not on problems….focus on the promise…focus on faith that things will get better…..focus on showing absolute unconditional love….especially when it’s hardest and it seems that they least ‘deserve’ it…..love for the sake of loving….treat your sweetheart the way you would and do want to be treated when you are going through a rough patch…..having a bad day or a bad year…feeling down…and never, ever forget that YOU are the ONLY person who has the promised stewardship of walking through life and helping that person get through life…..you are THE one who is their partner……that is big.
As long as you go into it knowing that…and expecting that sometimes it will be very difficult….but that there’s always miracles to help the difficulty…and that God wants nothing more than to help you make your marriages successful….and that you promised God you’d try your hardest…..and that as long as both of you want it, you can really get through anything…..you’ll be able to do it….you really will. I know that from experience……..and from watching lots of others.
I think this might be one of the most important secrets of marriage….just because EVERYONE wants to give up sometimes, but most people keep that private….so you might think you’re the only one….you’re not….it’s very very normal and it’s totally ok…..it’s ok as long as you let yourself feel that for a little bit and then focus on the solutions…….
I believe in you and I’ll always be here for you….you can call me any time you want to vent about your sweetie….just know that if I know that you’re both trying, I’ll probably take their side and tell you to go kiss and make up…because I know that’s what you really want me to do!!
It’s worth fighting for….don’t give up.
xoxoxo
Mom