Melody's Sofa

Marriage Secret #3 - For My Children

Marriage Secret #3 is....Make Time To Have Fun Together

Dear Brock, Malary, Madi, Max & Mitch,

Chapter 3
Making Time to Have Fun Together

I remember every Friday night while I was growing up that my dad would take my mom out on a date, almost without exception. Once in a while when it was one of our birthdays or some other special occasion, we got to tag along…but usually they just went out alone. I always thought it was kind of funny, I mean, they were married! Why did they need to go out on a date? They already dated and fell in love a long time ago…..and now they’re married….I just didn’t get it…but it was really important to them and they always went out…every Friday night.

You can see, even now, how much Grandma and Grandpa love each other…they always have. Now I understand how important that weekly date was to them…or the way they would play card games, or go to the mountains, or work on the yard together….or sing together…they always make time to be together. The love that they had for each other affected my life so much, I always hoped that I’d have a husband someday who would want to take me out on dates like that.

One thing that we know about Dad is that he loves to have fun. He works hard and he plays hard. Dad has taught me how important it is to stop and have fun together. As you know, I am a productivity addict….sometimes an absolute workaholic…but dad and I have always found ways to make everything fun, even work. In the beginning of our marriage, we didn’t have much money…well, we didn’t really have any money after our basic needs were met…but we always had our Friday nights together for a date…most of the time we date TWICE a week.

And, as you know…dad and I have always done lots of things together with our friends and with you guys…and with our families….camping and boating and parties…but the time I am talking about is one on one time….dates.

Here’s the deal….sometimes it’s really hard for me to stop what I’m doing to go on a date…seriously….sometimes I have to make myself go…and make myself want to be there….and, I’m sure sometimes it’s the same for dad. Things get stale, and we get sick of being around each other…or maybe we’re sort of annoyed with each other (you know how hard it was to be around dad much of the time when he was so depressed and sick)…and I’d rather hang out at home and read a book, or he’d rather go outside and dig a hole with his tractor and fill it back in again…..but, we always make time….we get dressed up, and he shaves and wears cologne and I wear my hair down and we get in the car and go…..and before the night is over, we have decided, once again…that if we had it to do all over again, we would have chosen each other for sure.

That’s what dates are for…to remind us.

It’s been a really critical part of keeping our marriage first…of keeping it alive and of showing each other how we really feel about each other. It’s been really important during all of the different phases of our marriage that we stopped what we were doing, at least once a week, and focused on each other to the point that we forgot everything but each other…you HAVE to take yourself out of life, just the two of you….and step into a place of fun that reminds you why you got married in the first place….that you don’t just LOVE each other, but that you really do like each other, too.

The key to all of this that when you are going out together, treat each other the way you did when you WERE dating….plan special things…ASK each other out…get cleaned up and dressed up like you really want to impress each other…hold hands, sit next to each other….flirt with each other….walk next to each other, walk slow, cherish your time together…talk to each other…ask each other questions….figure out how to make each other feel like THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ON EARTH….because I promise, the key to happiness is understanding that your spouse IS the most important person on earth to you….just like I said before….you are the ONLY person on the earth who has made a promise to be this person’s partner…to help them and love them through life…to accept them and help them find happiness and be successful….you’re the only one they’ve got…and they’re the only one you’ve got…make the MOST of it…..

Now you understand what we were doing every Friday night when you always asked “why are you going on a date again?” …..we were doing it for you and for us…..and you need to do it for your children and for each other….it’s very very important and you’ll see dramatic changes in your marriage when you really make a commitment to it.

And…dad and I will always be here to babysit your babies when you want to go on a date!!! We’ve been looking forward to it forever!

xoxoxox
-Mom

Marriage Secret #2 - "Never Give Up"..... For My Children

September 16, 2006

Relationship Solutions & Juggling Breakables......

As promised (but a day late...been busy rejuvinating my marriage!) here's Chapter 2 in the book about marriage that I'm writing for my kids.....and for me!

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Never Give Up

Dear Brock, Malary, Madi, Max & Mitch….

Here’s secret #2 to having a happy marriage…”Never Give Up”

It wouldn’t be honest, at all, to say that there won’t be times in your marriage when you feel like throwing in the towel….just know that it’s totally normal. There will be times when you are just bored because neither of you have worked on staying in love, you’ve let lots of little things pile up until there’s a mountain of them…and there will be times that are much much bigger….times when a lot of people WOULD throw in the towel….that’s when you figure out the meaning of unconditional love…that you gotta love whether you’re getting everything out of it that you are wanting back or not…just love for the sake of loving…love because you promised you would…..that’s when those vows, promises, covenants get severely tested….the best thing you can do before you get married is set your boundaries….then do everything you can within those boundaries to make things work….to never, ever give up.

The boundaries part is important….and I want to talk a little bit about that before I begin. There are things in all human relationships, and especially in marriage, that are simply unacceptable. I would help dad through any problem that he ever had, I really believe that….as long as his true intention was to make our marriage thrive. People make mistakes, and that is understandable…painful but understandable. But, you have to set boundaries for what you will put up with beyond that….I am saying this because, in the naivety of my twenties, I really thought that divorce was not an option….that any marriage could be worked out……….now, after watching 3 people that I love very much TRY EVERYTHING to make their marriages work…and I mean everything…..then just suffer heartbreak because their partners ultimately were not interested in making the marriage work…..the best alternative for them was to split up. You have to set those boundaries for yourself. I hope that you’ll set boundaries of complete fidelity, of shared values…that you’ll set a boundary that you’ll always be what your spouse chooses first….that you won’t tolerate addictions, you’ll help them through them, but you won’t tolerate the acceptance of them. Those are boundaries I hope you’ll set.

That being said….I really hope for you that you’ll choose someone, ahead of time, who is dedicated to putting their marriage first for the rest of their life….you deserve someone who wants nothing more than for you to be happy and comfortable and fulfilled….and, if you are dedicated to making their life happy and comfortable and fulfilled, I am absolutely confident that you’ll be able to find someone who wants the same for you…just remember it’s a two way street…and that as long as the intention was there sincerely from the beginning, you can almost always revive it if you work on it yourself.

Dad and I made a contract when we were engaged….we handwrote it…with little doodly hearts…and it said that we would never even SAY divorce….that we’d never consider that an option….that we’d always look for a better way, and never a way out……like I said, we were kids and we had no idea what was ahead for us….we just knew that we were completely in love and we never wanted anything to shake it….and if anything ever did…we would only focus on solutions, not on the problems……we’ve pretty much made that happen….not always completely smoothly….but we’ve never even threatened each other or entertained the idea of giving up…and as you know….things have not always been easy. When dad got sick in 2004, he really had no interest in anything…not even me. Sickness is different, and complex…..I knew his real intentions, I knew the real him…..this trial we went through and that we’re still trying to get through as I write this has been a test of our love….and it’s completely within our boundaries…..it’s been painful and there were lots of days that I didn’t think I could keep going…..lots of them….I had to pull myself back up and remember who I am and what we had promised and what I really wanted when all was said and done…..and, what Dad and I both want is to be together forever……even if it’s not always easy and fun…..there’s a lot of wisdom in “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health”…..you might think when you are blissfully in love that it could mean that you might have to move somewhere you don’t like in a job transfer, or that you’ll feed your honey some chicken noodle soup when they are sick………..you’d never imagine that you might have to take care of a chronic illness for the rest of your life and theirs…..or that all of your dreams can shatter and every ‘thing’ that you’ve worked for together your whole life can be taken away…or you can lose children or never be able to have children…..but those things happen……and lots of marriages fall apart because of it…..and it is so sad….but marriage is hard….please know that…it’s very very hard to stay in love through some of these difficulties…it’s hard but it’s worth every bit of effort that it entails….and pretty much everything worthwhile in life is just like that…..

“Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory”. –Gandhi

Do you know what? With every opportunity that I’ve had in life, traveling all over the world and working hard to make my big dreams come true, and giving birth to all of you….when people ask me what my biggest accomplishment is, I always have to say that it is ‘staying married and staying in love….” Because like I said, it is hard work…..

It really helps to consider that your marriage is a lot like your body….commit to your marriage that way…that you’ve got to take care of it because it’s the only one you’ve got….that you can’t just run out and get another one….but that if you take care of it….it will be beautiful and will take you joyfully through life…..

Understand that we all go through phases and stages….hormones, depression, stress, disappointments, sickness, confusion……people have ups and downs and sometimes they last for hours…sometimes days…sometimes years…just focus on the intention…..that usually people ARE doing their very best, even if their effort seems measly…..and not on what’s happening in the moment…focus on solutions and not on problems….focus on the promise…focus on faith that things will get better…..focus on showing absolute unconditional love….especially when it’s hardest and it seems that they least ‘deserve’ it…..love for the sake of loving….treat your sweetheart the way you would and do want to be treated when you are going through a rough patch…..having a bad day or a bad year…feeling down…and never, ever forget that YOU are the ONLY person who has the promised stewardship of walking through life and helping that person get through life…..you are THE one who is their partner……that is big.

As long as you go into it knowing that…and expecting that sometimes it will be very difficult….but that there’s always miracles to help the difficulty…and that God wants nothing more than to help you make your marriages successful….and that you promised God you’d try your hardest…..and that as long as both of you want it, you can really get through anything…..you’ll be able to do it….you really will. I know that from experience……..and from watching lots of others.

I think this might be one of the most important secrets of marriage….just because EVERYONE wants to give up sometimes, but most people keep that private….so you might think you’re the only one….you’re not….it’s very very normal and it’s totally ok…..it’s ok as long as you let yourself feel that for a little bit and then focus on the solutions…….

I believe in you and I’ll always be here for you….you can call me any time you want to vent about your sweetie….just know that if I know that you’re both trying, I’ll probably take their side and tell you to go kiss and make up…because I know that’s what you really want me to do!!

It’s worth fighting for….don’t give up.

xoxoxo
Mom

More on The Perfectly Imperfect Love Story

This is very big………….do you hear me? This is the first day of the rest of my life….

Since tomorrow is relationship Friday and I’m still working on the book for my kids about marriage…and the chapter that is for tomorrow is “NEVER GIVE UP”…..I want to preface it with a real life chapter in my love story.

Before I left for Africa, things had started to change. I haven’t wanted to talk about this because I didn’t want to do anything that could ‘jinx’ it….I didn’t want to change the waves and winds of better luck that were starting to breeze into our life…….

You see, a few months ago….things were at the rock bottom worst, ever. Marq was in the deepest despair you could ever imagine….in fact, it was scheduled that he’d be going to California as soon as I got back from Africa to spend a few months in a special brain injury center that could help him overcome the deep depression he’s been in for the 2 years since his brain injury….it has been hell and it was at it’s very worst……and, I just didn’t know what else to do….

Then, a few weeks before I left, the doctor said he’d like to try one more medicine before we decided to send him there…..and, I could hardly get him to try one more thing because for 2 years….we’ve tried so many medicines and so many therapies and so much of this and that and everything…….and…..things sometimes got a little better…but never to a place where life felt happy and worth living….just bearable….just numb…..he’d try to smile and be happy….for months at a time….but he’d always say that he really couldn’t feel anything….and you could see it in his eyes.

And that was the worst part….no feelings….none. No love or passion or sorrow or compassion or worry or joy…..nothing…

…….and I had to come to terms with that….going from the most passionate marriage between two best friends that I ever even knew about to one that was without feeling…from one side anyway….he tried so hard, he felt so bad and so guilty and he tried so hard…….but…..just could not feel anything, about anything…..just darkness and nothing that had finally turned to anger and bitterness…..but a really empty kind.

And before I left he was getting out of bed at the crack of dawn, like old times….and heading outside to work…..and I’d come out to see him and he’d be whistling…and he wouldn’t come in until after dark. And I packed for Africa biting my lip and thinking….surely not? I did not get my hopes up……and he took me to the airport and we said goodbye and I tried so hard not to notice the pink color in his skin and the little glimmer of light in his eyes.

Then, one night last week while I was on the other side of the world….3am actually, in Africa…..my cell phone rang and woke me up and I answered it…..and it was Marq….and it was 7pm at home…and I’m sure he knew that but he called me anyway. And he said “whatcha doing?” and I said…”sleeping! It’s 3am….is everything ok?”…..and he said….and I will never, ever forget……….

“I just keep thinking about you and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t stop crying and I miss you so much.”

Now…..do you see why this is big? I did. I was so happy that I couldn’t feel sorry for his tears….only happy that he was having tears….having feelings….that he was feeling love….love for me….

But I’ve seen glimpses like this here and there over the last few years….and they go as fast as they come and they are strained….and, so…you know…..I just was thankful for it but trying not to, you know ……

On my plane ride home I was thinking about him…so much…I was thinking about him my whole trip. I talked about him constantly. I am so deeply and madly in love with him and I have missed him every second of every day since this horrible thing happened to us….I fell asleep on the plane and had a dream that I will never forget….

I remember feeling like I was broken up in a million pieces when I left for Africa…I was wondering how I could ever find all of the pieces to put myself back together….in my dream, pieces of me were falling to the ground, and I was scrambling to find them and glue them back on….and they would fall off….and more would fall off….and I’d cry and hurry and couldn’t pick up the pieces fast enough and glue them on…..then finally I saw what was happening.

It was a hard outer shell that was cracking and breaking and falling off of me….in pieces. It was sort of like hard mud, or baked clay….but, with each piece that broke off….a radiant glow of newness…new skin and new life and new me and real me was underneath it. It was supposed to fall off….while I have felt like I was falling apart, falling to pieces….what has really been happening is that I am shedding old, hard painful things and finding radiance and love and light underneath…the real things. The real me…maybe like the cocoon is cracking and shedding?

And when all of the pieces fell, in my dream, I found myself against a thick wall of glass….I was on one side, Marq was on the other….oh gosh, this is making me cry….and we were touching hands and walking back and forth and following each other’s hands with our eyes glued to each other’s….and trying so desperately to connect….so desperately. This was a painful dream….the kind you don’t stop feeling for days…..but then….the whole wall dropped, it shattered into a million pieces in a pile on the floor….and our hands met….

And I woke up promptly and sat in my seat and bawled like a baby. I wished that something like this could really happen, and I was thankful for the perspective about shedding the pieces, and that I needed to stop trying to glue the old pieces back on…..but, I really just wished the other part was true……….and sort of let myself believe that maybe it was a sign.

I called Kat from my layover and she told me that something big was happening….she said I wouldn’t believe my eyes and she didn’t even know how to explain it….but, that the whole time I was gone….Marq was getting better and better and happier and happier and more like his old self than ever…that he even looked different……….

I got off the plane at home and saw him standing outside the glass window waiting for me. He smiled and I smiled and I started to run and ran through the door and hugged him harder than I ever have…and he hugged me back…..and kissed me…..and looked me right in the eye…..and grabbed my suitcases and told me again how much he missed me….and I said “you have no idea how much I missed you….” ….and it had nothing to do with Africa.

Today is the 3rd day that I have been home. I can’t tell you what happened while I was gone but I can tell you that my husband still loves me….that we have been talking and catching up and laughing and hugging and smiling and there’s so much that I hope you never, ever take for granted……because I had almost forgotten what it was like to be loved like this.

And, even if it doesn’t last…..this is the best it’s been for 2 whole years…….and I know it’s from prayers from people all over the world and thousands of tears that fell down lots and lots of cheeks, especially mine….and God’s timing….and the lessons we needed and need……and patience….tons and tons of patience….and never giving up…..and keeping big promises that you have no idea how hard they’ll be to keep. And love that is given whether it’s given back or not……….and that miracles still happen, every day…..exactly when they’re supposed to and usually much later than we’d like…and that it’s always, always worth the wait. And that sometimes maybe God says…”you go to Africa and let me take care of this….”

Today I came home from work and went to find him out back working on his tractor…..and he pulled off his work gloves and kissed me the way he used to…..and my kids snapped this photo…..and I’ll print and frame it because this is the first day of the shedding of some old skin……and good new things are coming, I just know it.

Thank you for your prayers….do you see what you did?

I love you guys,
Melody

What I've Learned About Marriage...to my kids

August 25, 2006
Relationship Solutions

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As I promised last week, I am posting a chapter a week of the little book that I'm writing for my children about what I've learned about marriage....here's secret #1....you can see the first post here....

http://melodyross.typepad.com/my_weblog/fridays_relationship_solutions/index.html
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Marriage Secret #1
Putting Each Other First

When dad and I were seriously dating, I constantly made diligent mental notes of everything that dad talked about so I could remember what made him happiest, and so I could act on the things I heard from him to figure out ways to make him happy and happier….once I fell head-over-heels in love, his happiness was #1 on my list…and, the returns were huge because the more I did those things for him, the more he returned his love by putting my happiness first.

Then we got married and started getting used to each other…and as everyone does, started taking each other for granted. I remember early in our marriage when I was really frustrated over the way dad and I couldn’t come to terms on how certain household things were done…I thought he was ridiculous and he thought I was careless…it wasn’t that I was careless, I thought…it was that I didn’t care as much as he did about the same things.

I went and talked to a few successfully married people who were much older than we were….and they both told me the same things…”is it really worth holding on to something you see as trivial when it is more important to him than it is to you?” and…I thought I’d try out just doing things his way…just try out putting his happiness first in this one case…and to be honest, it really DIDN’T matter to me…I was just being stubborn, and trying to show him how ridiculous I thought his perfectionism was….

But, a funny thing happened when I started just cheerfully doing those things the way he wanted them done…it meant the world to him, then he started looking for things he could do for me….and then it was so fun and happy, that I started looking for more things I could do to make him happy….and he looked for ways to show me that he wanted me to be happy….and as long as we worked on that…just little things every day, the more it grew to the habit of always putting each other’s happiness first.

But, it was a conscious effort that had to be practiced every day…or it started to tilt downward again…we’d start taking each other for granted and putting other priorities ahead of each other…put our own convenience or stubbornness ahead of each other’s comfort and happiness…even if it would have been nearly effortless to do things a little differently…we would just get lazy….

It’s easy to think about your sweetie when your sweetie is being sweet…but, putting each other first is probably most important when your sweetie least ‘deserves’ it….it’s also the hardest time to do it, and requires tremendous discipline and maturity…it tests the commitment that you made to stick by each other through everything back when there was nothing but sweet times…I am so thankful that we were already in the habit of putting each other first when hard times hit…and they do for EVERY marriage…there were many many days when I had to force myself to think about dad’s comfort and happiness, because I was angry or resentful or tired….but, it kept things going forward when things easily could have gone backward…

There’s really no way around it, for a marriage to be successful and fulfilling, there are many many times when you have to do whatever it takes to put your spouse’s happiness first…in fact, depending on the kind of marriage you want to have…putting your spouse first is an absolute, in my experience. I know this sounds old fashioned and maybe a little repressive…it’s funny how it really is more freeing than anything…

What does it really mean to put your sweetheart first? Well, it might mean letting him pick the movie you go to, or the restaurant…not just because you know next time he’ll let you pick, but because you want to make him happy. It might mean leaving the peas out of the vegetable soup even if you like them in there…and, it will also mean much more difficult things…sacrifices….for me, it has meant passing up on many opportunities that would have kept dad and I apart too much, it has meant twisting the bread bag 5 times and putting the twist-tie on tightly every time I get a slice of bread…then buttering his toast from edge to edge….it has meant biting my tongue when he wears weird shirts….then kissing him like I love his shirt….

It means different things to every marriage…but it means the same thing, too…it means just being willing to always go from “I” to “we” and making that your #1 goal every day…marriage is a LOT of work…but, the reward is so much bigger than the work….

Just remember, if you want the happiest marriage that ever existed…always put the happiness and comfort of your spouse ahead of your own…it’s always YOUR choice to do that…it doesn’t mean that you are being a doormat or being weak…it means that you are making a promise that will take more strength than you can imagine…so, in reality…it PROVES your strength and exercises your choice…..

I know you can do it…you will love each other enough, and even when you feel like you don’t….practicing this every day will make you remember that you really really do.

All of My Love
Mom

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Just try to do this FOR ONE WHOLE WEEKEND, give it a try! You'll be amazed at what happens!

Have a great weekend!
Lots of Love
Melody

What's the REAL Pricetag?

Relationship Solutions
August 4, 2006

What’s the Real Price Tag?
Last night I crawled into bed before 7pm and put in a movie. One by one, my kids came upstairs and crawled on to the bed or under the covers…except of course, for the big old teenager who was downstairs raiding the pantry with his buddies…

When Marq finally came to bed it was over capacity, so we carried each little bundle on to the 7 ft. long bed that I made on the floor for them. And, as so many of you know…there’s nothing like REALLY looking at your own sleeping child to pull you into all that is real and good

And I have been needing that pulling-back. I have been pulled and twisted and stretched and dragged and bloodied in more ways than even my artist mind could have imagined over the last month. Sometimes God has to pull out the baseball bat to get us to understand the things that He has planned for us…to get back on to the right path for us. I have been confused with the ‘beating’ I’ve been getting lately…I know there’s a message, I just don’t know what it is…I know that my life has reached an enormous fork in the road….

…and, man, is it painful.

What I know for sure is that LIFE is asking me, at this very moment, what I am willing to do….what I am willing to pay….what I am willing to give up…and, each decision has it’s price…and some of the decisions scream loud…saying “CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME!” and some of whisper while they sleep on the floor at the foot of my bed…and whisper “please choose me….”

And I know for sure, when I really think about it…that the best things in life whisper to us, and we have to get really really really quiet to even hear what they are saying…seems like the deepest truths come in the moments of the most diligent quiet.

….and the screaming choices scream at whoever will listen, they really don’t care who finally listens…they just want SOMEONE to take them…..and the whispering choices are looking us right in the eye….waiting for us to make eye contact….and they only want OUR eye contact….not just anyone….us.
And everything has a price tag…and the biggest things require sacrifice…giving up something that is important or special or valuable…but all sacrifice means is that we are giving up something good for something better….and sometimes, the pricetag says, OR SHOULD SAY…”today only” because the best things often don’t wait…they can’t. Those whispering things can only wait so long…those screaming things will often stay there screaming our entire lives and we can choose to pick them up when the best things are taken care of.

So, if the question was asked of you….”what are you REALLY willing to pay for that?”….what do you think you would say? You know what? Sometimes I don’t know that we even know what we are paying for…we just run and run and run and we don’t know what we are really buying…and even worse, we don’t know what price we paid for it…and especially, what we gave up because we were giving all that we had to it…whatever IT is.
If you had only SO MUCH in your pocket, and under the cushions and in the ashtray…and that’s all you had…and no more…and both things that you really wanted said “everything you’ve got…” because that’s really really honestly what it’s going to take…which one would you take? You used all of your credit cards….you’ve figured out that it catches up with you in the end….all you’ve got is what’s in your pocket right now….but, it’s enough if you just choose one or the other…..

….life gets to that point sometimes….and it’s what become our DEFINING MOMENTS in life….which things we choose in those moments…..

Sorry I’m being so abstract….I’m just really starting to figure some things out for myself. I am really being FORCED to figure some things out right now….I am being looked right in the eye and asked….’which one do you want? Only you can choose….”And, doors are being closed and a hallway of doors stands before me….

And, I know for sure that it’s the same for you.
No big challenge here, about this, today….just think. You are captainess of your destiny…you are the one who has to decide….

Lots of Love,
Melody

No Ordinary Moments....

Relationships
Friday, July 28, 2006

No Ordinary Moments
I found a beautiful quote today about 'being present' , it made me think about the times that I feel the very best, the most at peace, the most tranquil and joyful....and, while they are not ordinary moments.....they certainly are not out of the ordinary....in fact, it's those moments right in front of my face that are the most significant.

I was thinking about how I can have the most stressful day imaginable, and come home from work....and these two little guys will sprint out to greet me at my car...yelling "MOOOOMMMMYYYY!!!" and then, we just sit on the couch and read books and cuddle and all is right with the world....and, it wasn't a moment that I had to chase for years and years to finally experience, or pay big bucks to have....it has never been out of reach, it is always right there...yet....it is greater than just about any moment I can remember...in all of my travels, all of my 'accomplishments' and after all of my chasing.

Think today about the relationships that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE....think about the 'ordinary' moments that you have within those relationships, and what your life would really be like without them. It puts everything in a whole new light.

Here's that great quote...and, when summer break is over....I promise I'll do a better job of blogging every day...things are just in sane right now....and I'm trying to capture those precious & significant moments every chance I can get.

"In life, there are no ordinary moments. Most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." -Kathleen Magee

Have a great day...lots of love,
Melody

I love this girl....

Relationship Solutions
Friendship
July 14, 2006

I LOVE This Girl…..

Yesterday, I got a phonecall after a whole day of really long meetings. It was a stressful and yucky phonecall. Running a business and a family at the same time is just plain stressful. I am homesick. I was sitting at the little desk in my hotel room, looking at my laptop through bloodshot eyes, eating a protein bar. I wanted to go home. I was on ‘hold’ so I checked my email…I got an email with the title :

RE: Hey, you, over there….

It was from Kat, and it was funny because, she was right behind me sitting on the hotel bed working on her laptop…I hadn’t talked to her for a while because I was so caught up in fixing the big problem on the phone. So, I opened it. And it said. “I love you…you will get through this…you always do….and it is going to make one great, inspiring, and motivating story….that you are going to be able to tell when you launch your big speaking career someday….. everything happens for a reason. LUV U!”

I love her. I mean I really really love her. I love her with the love of a thousand dimple-cheeked baby giggles. And, I have to say…I love every single thing about her. I have traveled the world with her, we have shared small hotel rooms and stinky cabs and brand-new clothes and plates of cheesecake that we shouldn’t have been eating. She knows everything about me, everything. And, she still loves me every single day. She makes me see things in the right perspective every single day…she says “yes” when people ask if we are sisters…but she never mentions that I am 10 years older.

Let me tell you about Kat. Kat is one of those girls that you see on the street and it makes you look twice because you can’t believe that anyone could POSSIBLY be that stunning in real life. She radiates, she stops traffic, she leaves a wake of everything good behind whenever she breezes by….and I mean everything really GOOD. She is just plain good. She is good-hearted, good-natured, good-fun. She is someone that you might try really hard to hate because she is so perfect, but then you just can’t because she is just so darned good.

…and kind and generous…..she’s planned hundreds of birthday celebrations and written kajillions of encouraging notes to everyone she knows and expertly done countless bride’s make-up, the whole wedding party, just out of kindness….she can make anyone into their very best, and she does, in so many ways.
I am embarrassed when I tell people that I have an executive assistant. It sounds sort of stuffy and pretentious. I have to tell you that I could not make it through my life without her for even one second. She runs my life. She has taught me that it’s ok to need help, it’s ok to ask for help, and that when you are in your life way over your head, you better ask for help.

After my first 100 years of life, when I die, I am going to tell God that He really did a good and merciful thing for me to put Kat into my life. He did a good thing for the whole world to put her there, actually.

Through the last few years, Kat has filled in so many voids in my life. She is always the first one there when things go wrong, she’s always the first hug when things go right, she’s the first to admit to mistakes and the first to compliment you when you haven’t made any.

I can’t tell you all the times when I’ve left on a trip, alone, and found notes in my purse telling me “you can do it!”. Or, in overnight packages when I forget to pack important documents, she always slips a little something in to let me know she’s there for me.

I bet you are this kind of friend to someone right now.
Do you have any idea how much you save their day?
You need to look at yourself in the mirror and say “Good Job, You!”

And then, think of that friend who means this much to you, and make sure to take some time to tell her….today or tomorrow…but really really soon. She needs to know. You might think she already knows…but does she, really?

So, when Kat wakes up tomorrow, after the really long and exhausting day we had today….she gets to read about what she means to me. You should write about your friend and then send her here to read what you wrote….she deserves it!!!

Lots of Love to All of You!
melody

The Best Kind of Friendship

Relationship Solutions
July 7, 2006

The Best Kind of Friendship

So….I think the best kind of friendship is the ‘come as you are’ kind. Or ‘call as you are’ or ‘email as you are’ OR “blog as you are!” The thing that is so wonderful about these kinds of friendships is that they are comfortable, they give you the same feeling that throwing yourself on to a big cushy sofa and letting the down cushions hug your body gives to you. I think the best kind of friendship is the kind that lets you pick up where you last left off…whether it’s been days or years…..

I’ll tell you some things that are right at the top of my head right now….I love the friend I have who calls and leaves me messages for days and isn’t annoyed when I don’t call her back until the 11th message….she is just glad to hear from me. I love the friends who call me back after I’ve left my 11th message. I love the friends who leave messages just to say “I love you” and don’t even expect to be called back. I love the friends who listen to my children with 100% attention and affection for them. I love the friends who let me help them. I love the friends who tell me I need help. I love the friends who tell me to PUT DOWN THE CHOCOLATE! I love my friends who bring me good chocolate when I really need it.
I love the friends who can still recognize me when I am not wearing make-up. I love the friends who don’t laugh at me in kickboxing…and I love the friends who do. I love the friends who tell me when I tuck my skirt into my underwear. I love the friends whose eyes tear up when I tell them about something good that happened to me. I love the friends who tell me things that make my eyes tear-up. I love the friends who will take my word for it when I tell them that driving 6 or 7 hours to a great location is completely worth it.
I love friends who remind me of what is most important and what is definitely not important. I love friends who sit and listen to me bawl my eyes out and don’t even tell me that I am crazy. I love friends who trust me enough to let me sit and listen to them bawl their eyes out. I love friends who will listen to my music, even though they’d like to be listening to theirs. I love friends who share their favorite music with me.

I love my friends who are old enough to be my mother or my grandmother and I love my friends who are young enough to be my daughter. I love that they are willing to see me as a true friend, too…despite my age.

I want to thank you all for being who you are…for sharing yourself in a way that can only be classified as friendship. You touch my life every single day.

What do you think is the best kind of friendship?

One more question about relationships...

What is the nicest, most thoughtful and caring thing a friend has ever done for you?

and....

What is the most thoughtful and loving thing the 'love of your life' or one of your children has ever done for you?

OR

that you have done for either of them...that really seemed to affect them and the relationship that you have....

I bet we can come up with all sorts of ideas for how to have even better relationships today!

Thanks!
mel

Meet Ms. Compara Udeher

Let's talk a little bit about how all of we women can be good to each other....

Somewhere, right now, there is a woman walking on the sidewalk, her inconceivably toned body cat-walking in her designer suit. In complete tranquility, she flawlessly handles more roles than she can count on her manicured fingers. She has carefully dusted trophies lining her Italian marble antique hearth, congratulating the immaculate job she has done with everything she has ever tried. She is patient, intelligent, kind, assertive, unbelievably beautiful, humble and unfairly talented. She has no cellulite. She never gets depressed or overwhelmed, ever. She lives in her dream house and cooks gourmet meals after arriving home from very long days of role-filling, with an abundance of energy to finish off the day. She is the ideal parent, girl of her guy’s dreams, star businesswoman, marathon runner and the picture of civil servanthood. She truly, and to our discouragement, ‘has it all’.

Yes, somewhere right now that very woman exists….far too many of these women exist. It’s just too bad that not a single one of them are real and exist only in our imaginations. I thought up that woman above myself....I think her up all the time....she puts everything I do to shame.

Think of the woman that you had on your mind, the woman you suspected as you were reading the first paragraph until you realized the ridiculousness of it all. I'm a woman too, and I know well enough that you were thinking of someone, because I know I was! You probably saw things in her that made you cringe with resentment, maybe you saw things in her that reminded you of yourself and you were sticking up for her as you empathized. “no one sees what’s really going on behind the scenes with this poor woman.” Maybe you were thinking of someone in your life that you have envied from afar, even been jealous of. Maybe you see this woman so clearly because she lives in your mind and haunts you night and day, screaming reminders of all the things that you are not.

Let’s give her a name…lets call her Compara…Compara Udeher.

Compara comes in many forms. You would probably describe a whole different Compara than I would. She is simply the perfect woman, she has it ALL. She’s got brains, looks, money, the best recipes, creativity, a fast metabolism, fame, intuition, style, skills, successful relationships, balance, etc., etc., etc. What she has that bothers us most, is every single thing that we think we don’t have, even if we never wanted those things until we compared ourselves to her.

How do we know so much about Ms. Compara Udeher? Because we have watched her, studied her, picked her apart. If we haven’t seen what we’ve guessed about her, we make up the details of her perfect life and swear to ourselves that they’re true. When we run into her at the grocery store with our baby’s puke still on our sleeve and yesterday’s make-up clinging only to parts of our face – she is, as always, standing with perfect posture wearing whatever is on the mannequin at the mall, only in one size smaller. And we are sure that there is probably some chauffer waiting outside to pick her up…and she’s probably NEVER even had to burp a baby. When she shows up at work with her quickly whipped-out brilliant ideas, we go from a grape to a raisin, thinking about the presentation that we’ve worked on for months-that isn’t even worth sharing now. We are certain that she’s got more where that came from, and she probably only had to work on her presentation for an hour because everything comes so easily to her. When she has the exciting and prestigious career, we’re stuck at home with the kids. When we’ve put in a long summer at work, she’s spent a whole meaningful summer playing with her kids-she doesn’t have to work. Compara gets whatever she wants, we get the left-overs. Yes, she’s got it all.

If you truly believe that you know the perfect woman, it’s time to cut her some slack. If you don’t, you’ll never cut yourself any. If what she appears to be and what she appears to have really eats you up inside, it’s time to look past appearances. It’s time for us to stop comparing, to find out Compara’s real name.

We won’t come to peace with the nature of Compara until we really look at her, look into her soul. We will likely see so much of ourselves in there. You will see the bone deep exhaustion and near-fear that you know all too well. You will see that she is quickly and furiously juggling, horrified that she is going to drop something; knowing that if she lets up for a minute, something will fall from her hands and shatter. You will see that what she really needs is a hug and a nap, not unfair judgements. And, if you could have read her mind on that day in the grocery check-out line, with baby puke on your sleeve as you were holding a bag of diapers in your hand – the only thing you would have heard in her thoughts was “I wish I could meet someone and start a family, I’d give anything to have a baby…that woman is so lucky…she has it all.” You are her Compara.

What we need to constantly realize, aside from the fact that comparing never goes anywhere good, is that we have the tendency to compare the very worst parts of ourselves to the very best parts of others. How can that ever go anywhere good?

OF COURSE HER BEST LOOKS BETTER THAN YOUR WORST! And…who cares anyway? Not that it matters, but…your best looks better than her worst too.

When we give that woman who’s ‘got it all’ the same respect that we should be giving ourselves, and really look at her, we will see things differently. Even if things appear to be as perfect as we imagine them to be for her, there are so many parts that we unfairly leave out the story; for her or for ourselves.

We’re all much closer to ‘having it all’ than we give ourselves credit for, even if we’re not…we’re a few choices away. Having it all doesn’t mean having every single thing that is available in the world…it simply means choosing the things that we cherish most, and giving OUR all to those. When we focus on the best things for our unique lives, we have it all…all of what WE individually want and choose.

Stop Comparin' You-de-her........
I'll stop comparin' me-de-her
You are just right, just the way you are.........me too!

Make it a Meaningful Day!
mel