Hello beautiful friends!!
Here’s the deal. I am taking a 90 day break from Facebook. Going into a Facebook Rehab, of sorts....with all of the blessings and beauty and connection that Facebook provides, I have found for me, at this time in my life, that it has become a source of great procrastination, and confusion and distraction from doing things that I fear, and yet things that I know I am supposed to do. I feel embarrassed to tell you that I have shed 25 gallons of tears over my commitment to this decision. I have been crying for days, as I deleted Facebook from my phone on Saturday, and asked my Kim to change my password to my account on Sunday so that only she could get on to give updates. (she will give updates about important stuff and my blog will automatically post to my FB page in case you are interested)
Here's a picture that my friend, Lara snapped of my deleting Facebook from my phone....I knew I had to delete the temptation to log on from my phone...
Anyway, it is already so hard. I already feel lonely, disconnected and afraid of being forgotten by people that I already love, and people that I have grown to love so much. This is truly one of the bravest and scariest things I have ever done, or will ever do. This is why I think it is so important that I do it. I should not be relying on the internet to determine my self worth. It is time for me to face this head-on. This is the picture of me after I deleted it....I knew it was the right decision...and I feel victorious....but man, I am telling you...this is SO HARD.
Where did this decision come from? I’m teaching a new online class in a few weeks and I as I have been writing the curriculum, I have had to be excruciatingly honest with myself. I realized that I am standing on the edge of my old life, afraid to jump into my new one. I have my hand on the doorknob of a door that when opened, will hold a room of exactly what I am supposed to do at this time in my life. Yet, I am reluctant because I am still looking back at all of the old doors that I have already closed. And....even more embarrassingly honest, I am constantly asking the outside world which door I should open, which door I should close. I am too afraid to trust my own gut on many days because the door that my heart is telling me to open is not fancy, or big, or full of diamonds....my door is not what the world at large might tell me is the best door for me....yet I know that I know that I know that I know that it is the right door. I am getting ready to open it and step in.
My first online class was about healing, making sense of the past, finding your own truth. I wrote that curriculum from a place of experience....because I was healed myself by that curriculum...and layers and layers of me keep continuing to be healed.
This is a picture I took at last weekend's retreat at the bottom of the stairs and I realized that THAT is what I am doing....I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs...I am so much further in my healing....and doing great, but I am procrastinating the moving forward.
The next class I am teaching...part 2 of SOUL RESTORATION is about moving forward into the life you really want to live, a life you can love...and most of all...a life that YOU were designed to live. You see, I believe that...I believe each of us were designed to do things in the world that NO ONE else could ever do. I know I was designed to write and to make art. I know that I was designed to love DEEP in my relationships. I know that I was designed to learn beautiful things from hard things and then to come back and report to the class what I learned. I know I was even designed to feel a LOT of joy.....a LOT of bliss.....and a deep sense of peace and happiness. I know I was designed to live a quiet and simple life surrounded by trees and by the people who I love and who love me right back.....but the BIGGEST THING I KNOW is that I was designed to do all of this from the center of my soul. I know that I am supposed to get my answers THERE....and that the source of everything that is good and true and beautiful and will fill that center of my soul with the answers so that there will always be a deep well of them to drink from. I know that I am not supposed to search the outside world for answers about what I am supposed to do and who I am supposed to be and what my worth is in the world. I am supposed to go back to the center.....to my Soulhouse.....
You see I just returned from an amazing photography/art retreat held by my dear friend Lara Blair and my newly dear friend Elida (she is also the girl who told me for the first time, YOU WERE DESIGNED to be BE AN ARTIST...I love that...that I was designed). The retreat is called Ignite the Heart and it truly changed my life. I was expecting to learn how to use those buttons of my camera that are not autofocus...and I was hoping to learn some more art techniques. I knew it would be incredible but I know now that my purpose there had nothing to do with photography or art techniques. I needed to get quiet. I needed to be 100% present and unplugged for many days in a row. I have now experienced the lifechanging things that happen at Brave Girl Camp for myself. Now I now why the women walk out of our retreats different and with the bravery to make huge changes in their lives...it is because they are quiet and then they hear their truth...loud and clear with no distractions. No phones, no computers, no outside voices....just the big beautiful truth coming straight from the center of their soul.
So this is what my soul whispered, sang and even screamed a few times.
GET OFF OF FACEBOOK
SPEND THE SUMMER DOING ART!!
SPEND THE SUMMER WRITING!
SPEND THE SUMMER RE-CONNECTING WITH THE PEOPLE YOU HOLD DEAREST!!
What will I be working on this summer? TONS of art. I have been invited to do a solo art show in the Portland Oregon area in November. 11/11/11 November 11, 2011. I also have a solo show in the works for October, around my 40th birthday at one of my very favorite places in Eagle, Idaho. I have had the dream of doing a gallery showing for as long as I can remember, and this is the perfect time to do it. So I will be making a ton of original art, some of which will also be for licensing into products. I will be writing, A LOT. My goal is to start writing on my blog again at least 5x a week. My son is getting married in August and my goal is to make that an absolutely magical day for he and my beautiful new daughter in law, Jeri Lynn. My goal is to exercise every day and really think about and enjoy the food that goes into my mouth. I am going to listen to podcasts that teach me things I want to know while I exercise. I will be constantly filling my mind, heart and body with all kinds of emotional, spiritual and physical nourishment. I also still have a whole lot of stuff to heal from, as I have been going 100 miles an hour for so many years, through so much trauma...and I am going to let myself do that. I am going to cry when I want to cry, write when I want to write, laugh when I want to laugh, dance when I want to dance, paint when I want to paint. And, because I am going to do it all from the center of my soul. When I am done....I am going to beg you to try it for yourself.
While on this hiatus, I am also going to redo my personal blog, finish my personal website and work very hard on all of the dreams we have for Brave Girls Club. That is truly where my heart is.
What I am going to do, essentially, is all of the things I will be teaching in my new online class that starts in a few weeks. You can’t teach it unless you do it, right? So I am making a brave commitment, I am hoping that I am not forgotten or left behind....I am fearing so many things and this is SO HARD, but I know I have to do it. I am going to practice and practice and practice at living the life I really want to live. No more wasting time, no more procrastinating.
I hope you will follow my journey if you want to. I will be writing each day to you....and by YOU I mean that one girl out there who might be where I am, or where I have been....and who I might be able to help or encourage in some way to stop living the life that keeps happening to you, and to start living the life that you were designed to live. I want that for you SO MUCH. I want that for me so much. So...this is DAY ONE.
I love you all.........I really do.
I will miss so many of you on Facebook. Please send me emails if you want to....I will miss having daily contact with so many of you!