Melody Ross Creative Life

If you are coming tonight....here's the directions......

 
 

Everyone is invited, please come!!!

I have been in Los Angeles for 3 days and I finally have internet access!!! 

I wanted to tell you all....A few months ago, one of my store owner customers from Southern California who has also become a great friend over the years was in Boise, and we had breakfast together......after we chatted for a while....she asked me if I would be willing to come and speak to a group of community women while I was at CHA........of course...anything to lift up and encourage women....as I have been so lifted up and encouraged!!! I am so honored to be able to do this!

SOOOOO....women of all ages are invited...ages 12 on up.....I will be speaking at her church, (though this is a non-denomenational event) which is right across the street from her store called Timeless Treasures in Rancho Santa Margarita....on Sunday night.....here's the flyer that they posted all over the community....

 

I would sure love to see you all there if you want to come! It is a non-denomenational talk, everyone is invited and it is free........I will just be sharing the story of our family and how we survived our tragedy, how we stayed together (especially in marriage) how we have overcome our losses and how beautiful things have come out of it all on the other side..........I hope you will come....

In other news...I am having a complete blast here!!!! My new tool line is BEAUTIFUL! The folks at GCD have been SOOO wonderful and worked so hard to turn out the most beautiful product lines I have ever seen.....they are everything I hoped they would be!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOOOOVE THIS STUFF!!!  I got to see and use the products for the first time...and it has been so fun.....many more blog posts to come about those things....got to spend time with some of my very favorite artists last night when Gail and I hosted a little party......Jenny Doh and SuziBlu and Cheryl Waters and Elena Lai Etcheverry and Sally Wonderful........what a dream come true....and CHA doesn't even start til Sunday! I get to see so many of my friends in the next week.....We are working our booties off and I will have so much to share! Good things are happening!!!

Hope you are having a wonderful week!

xoxo

melody

Miracle #10 -Life's Currency-

 This post has been quite the calamity. Nothing went right when trying to prepare it....then today, while I was looking underneath my bed for some old design sketches...where notebook after notebook was stacked...I found an old journal entry that I want to share with you at the end of the post. After I read it, and sat and marveled at all that has happened in the almost 5 years since I wrote it, I knew that things weren't coming together because I needed to share how deep my despair was at that time, how lost I was and how off my divine path I was, how dark things seemed...I want share, because I have gotten so many letters from so many of you who think that life will never be happy again, that terrible issues will never resolve, and that your life is too far past broken.....I just want you to know that if we made it, you can too. 

With that...I share with you miracle #10, which turns out, has felt like I am writing my Senior essay in the great class of Life....and that if it gets a passing grade, I will be able to move on to graduate school...the next phase of my life...therefore, it is quite long, because I had so much to say about all that has been taught & learned...

Miracle #10 -Life's Currency-

Being broke stinks.....let's just get that out of the way right this minute. I can really pretty much say, with experience....lots of it.......that being broke with a family of 7 is just flat-out rotten much of the time.....BUT........BUT BUT BUT............I would never ever EVER change the experience of going through these lessons....and it was even worth it to learn what it feels like to exist at below-poverty standards according to the US Government. 

We are finally starting to sloooowly pull ourselves out of this.....well, I need to put that a different way....because, we are pulling ourselves out with one hand, and holding on tight to GOODNESS with the other hand...the goodness of others, the goodness of providence, the goodness of miraculous serendipity and grace....which is pulling US out. 

Our family has been moved and changed permanently from the power of being brought out of very very dark and scary places.....and the love that surrounds the selfless acts of others that have gotten us to where we are now.

I have found that one of the hardest parts of financial hardship and economic decline is the assumption that it takes you out of the game of life.....and that you are just "out of the game".....that you can't play along anymore. For me.......this was pretty devastating....because I really like to play in the game of life.

 

But I have learned something so very powerful about the best way to be in the game....whether you have this(and we all go through times when we do or don't....) 

or whether you simply have this:

 

This post is about LIFE'S currency, and sometimes that really does come in the form of one dollar bills, hundred dollar bills, pennies, quarters.....and you really can make miracles happen with this kind of currency..........also.....so much of the time, it comes in the form of WHATEVER IS THERE THAT HOLDS PURPOSE.....which can be anything, even things that might seem worthless to others........and most often, is just love....tiny and big acts of love.

Our family has been incredibly and tenderly blessed by both of these kinds of miracles, and luckily, we have also been able to experience being on the giving end in very unique and personal ways. As hard as it is to be on the receiving end of generosity and kindness because of pride, I have learned that it is a critically important part of the most important kinds of currency exchanges. Marq and I have both worked very hard our entire lives to make sure that we never have to be on the receiving end....when life brought us to our knees these last few years, we had to humble ourselves and accept the gifts of love that were very tenderly placed before us. I can not express how this has changed my heart. We must be willing to give, we must be willing to receive.....then life takes on a richness that will never be written about it Forbes 500 but it's a million times deeper, wider and more colorful.

Did you know that this year, after losing just about everything else we owned, I lost a precious suitcase (well, the AIRLINE lost it) full of my most treasured art supplies and years of collected vintage findings, and just artsy goodness that could never be replaced? I was on my way to an art retreat....a gift from one of my BFFs, and I was so excited as I had just walked out the old door of corporate life and flew out of my cage to a life of uncertainty, yet freedom. I loooooved the stuff that was in there....Oh man...I was so mad. I went back and read in my journal from early last year....where I wrote that I was just so thankful that I still had my family....and that if I had my art supplies, I could do anything....even though we lost everything else, I would totally be ok with my family and my art stuff.

 
 

I had written quite a few times how thankful I was for my art supplies.....and then....whammo.....they were gone forever. The airline refused to replace them....and so, I have tried to figure out the lesson in THAT one.

My other remaining prized possession was my laptop. I used it for EVERYTHING. I even took it to bed, where I could work while "relaxing", I took it on trips. I took it in the car with me....it kept me connected to the world and to my work. This Fall.....it crashed too, bigtime, leaving me to share the family computers and try to do my work while balancing scheduled time for each of us.......

 

I've already told you that the rest of it went earlier in the year, and the year before that...the house, the business....the security......soooo, at this point, it just starting getting kind of humorous. I have learned enough by now to know (after I am done throwing a fit, pouting, and feeling sorry for myself) that thesethings do not happen without a higher purpose......

 

So then, at some point this year....and I am not quite sure when it was....since everything else had been turned over in not-so-voluntary ways....that I would turn over EVERYTHING I EVER KNEW TO BE TRUE....and just start from scratch.......I decided to surrender to faith. I used to think I had things pretty well figured out......but, NOT SO. I volunteered my faux knowledge to the old miracle machine.

 

 SURRENDER is the miracle machine....it really is. The funny thing is...most of the time you can't change what is going to happen anyway, so you might as well turn it over voluntarily, with the faith that it will go right into the miracle machine and transform into what it was supposed to be in your life. (after you throw your fit, pout and all of that stuff for a day or two)

For us....it went to some unknown crazy place......and everything turned to currency. I am not talking about currency that can be spent at fine restaurants or country clubs....we couldn't rent a car with it or buy clothes with it.......BUT, I am pretty sure we racked up some sweet frequent flyer miles....just not the kind that we're used to. We learned that going through life with this kind of currency is even better. We learned the literal meaning of "your cup shall runneth over"

The money and the jobs went dry RIGHT when Marq got completely better...the timing of almost every single thing in this long story has been phenomenally perfect....too perfect to be coincidental. I know for sure (and it even mentions this in the journal entry I will share with you at the end, though at that time, I did not believe that we would EVER have financial troubles)...anyway, I know for sure that we are never given more than we can handle, and I don't belived I would have been able to handle the things that happened this year without my husband by my side....I was just too worn out after so many years of so much.

I am ashamed to admit that in my twenties, I fell into certain trappings and beliefs about life that my husband never would participate in. As someone who loves pretty things and beautiful things.....I always wanted to work very hard to be able to have the money to buy things. Marq just wanted to have freedom in his life, and I remember when we first started enjoying having a lot of money and I asked him what he wanted out of life, now that we didn't need to worry anymore about money....he just said, "Now that I have time, I am going to make it my goal to serve someone in need every single day."

...and he did.......and he was always so happy.

 

When things got tough this year, financially........he just kept telling me that if we got up every day, and got to work, and did things for others...and gave WHAT WE HAD, whatever it was, that things would work out......that our cup would run over...........

He told me that we could STILL PLAY IN THE GAME OF LIFE with what we had....even if all that we had was our actions and our words........we could play along....it would be great.....

I watched him doing it every day...effortlessly...happily....and I couldn't help but wonder what I had to give. I wasn't good at making casseroles.......that's what my mom always did for others. 

When I lost my suitcase full of supplies, and then my laptop...........I wondered what else I had to give.....I knew I had a place there...working.....I knew I could do that. When that was gone, it felt like there was a message in it...and there was...........I really only had one thing left that was mine to give......

 

and all it was........was......

.....my story

.....my experiences.

how scary. (come on...this stuff is personal!)

That is how Brave Girl's Club started. I realized that I had learned certain skills that I never thought would have been possible for someone like me to learn. I had learned how to be brave when I had gone through so much of my life being afraid and letting my fears keep me from doing things I really wanted to do. I had learned how to heal through art. I had learned how to trust myself. I had learned a gentle and kind way to make boundaries with others. I had learned the truth about who I really was, who you really are....and how much each of us mean in the world. I had learned how to get all the way through hell.

 
 

....and I wanted to play along.......so I dug deep, in all of my pockets...and I offered it up......and I was quite afraid that my funds would be denied....that my card would not be accepted, that my offering would not be enough.....but I did it with all of the love that I could find in my heart.

I mean, what can really be accomplished with a 50 year old army tent and twinkly lights and lime green paper lanterns and a bunch of people who want to change the world? 

a lot.

 

This is where I learned about the great exchange that makes no logical sense.........I mean, where else can 1 act of love and kindness and authenticity multiply to 100 and then multiply to 1000..........and then on and on........I saw this happen with my own eyes..........each tiny brave act of giving came back in 10 even bigger pieces of love and miracles that I was never expecting......each little piece of love currency multiplied into hundreds more, flew right back into my hand and my heart....and the heart of every giver..........giving us even more currency to play the game of life. 

 

I mean this literally and I mean it figuratively. Have you heard the phrase "God giveth, God taketh away?"

well....I think it needs to go one more.....at the end, God giveth again.........check this out:

God plays by an interesting set of currency rules....basically...it's give Me all that you have, and I will give you all that I have.....and He has WAAAAAAY more than we have!

lost suitcase = found opportunity

When I lost my suitcase....I didn't have my supplies......so I wasn't in my class...I was sitting outside....outside was another woman who had decided to come to the retreat at the last minute, but who also happened to be outside during the class.........meeting her would change the course of my life and my career (and in the next months I can tell you about this....it's not quite time yet....) Had I not lost my suitcase, I would not have been outside, and we really probably never would have met...and when I tell you what happened as a result of this chance meeting, you will truly grasp the miracle of it.

broken laptop = time with family, time to think, time to plan

I am an addict. I just have an addictive personality. I was addicted to work. My laptop was 4 years old and it had been attached to me for that long...........when it was gone, I went through some withdrawals...but then, started having conversations again, started putting my work away at night to enjoy time with family, started planning my time wisely, enjoyed weekends away "unplugged" and really used my time at the computer efficiently when I had it. This was a very great thing for me, something I needed very very much.

lost job = found purpose

Let me tell you something, had things not happened in the way that they happened with my company, as horrible as it was, I would have busted my buns for the rest of my life to make it work. I did not belong there (You'll see also in my journal entry below that all the way back in 2005 I knew it was time for it to be over, and what my life was like on a daily basis because of it).......I had lessons to learn and it when it was time, it was over. It ended kind of devastatingly, but that was my choice to feel that way I suppose. I know now that it was a merciful act of goodness on the part of our maker to rip me off of that path and place me on the right one. I simply was not doing it on my own. I was soooooo much in the wrong place!

Had things not happened the way that they did, things would not be where they are now. Because I lost my company, I found a brave girl inside.......and then my sister and I went on a hunt for all of the other brave girls inside of all of us......and we are ready to start a revolution.........THAT is where I belong. And I belong at home with my family, making stuff.  Had I not lost everything that I was......I could never begin to become what I was created to become. It is that way for all of us....we must lose what we THINK we are before we can embrace the truth of our unique and divine magnificence.

 

 
 

surrendering = finding

This is the part that was hardest for me. I would never have described myself as a control freak before all of this happened, because I am vehemently opposed to people controlling other people...but I learned that I will do just about ANYTHING to control the outcome of my own life. I don't like to not be in control of what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next year. It is horrible and uncomfortable and humbling.....it's hard. I had to learn this the hard way....that I am NOT in control. I had to surrender to faith........but it was after being knocked over the head in just about every possible way. Just like I said..........when enough was enough....I finally just surrendered......and then believed....and that's when the miracles started multiplying...just like I said...they still are...I write things down every day....it is truly amazing what is happening in our life the more we surrender to it.

 

losing it "all" = finding all that matters

This year, I made the best friends of my life, and renewed friendships in need of quality time.......I met people that I NEVER would have met had things not transpired in a way that looked disastrous at first. I met people this year who I thought I was to help but who in the end, saved me.

I have begged to the heavens over and over again in the last 5 years that in some miraculous way, that time would be restored for my children and their father.....for my husband and myself....that we would be able to make up for all of those lost years as if they never happened....that my children would know and love their father and that my marriage would not only survive all of that hell, but that it would come out of it stronger and more joyful. 

 

Because of our financial situation this year.....our family had to work together to make things work EVERY SINGLE DAY....we even got stuck in the house together most days because our car was totaled..............and I swear to you with everything that is in me, that this experience bonded our family together in a way that made up for all of those lost years........something that never would have happened if I was jet-setting and life was comfortable...........we needed this. We needed to see that our family was surrounding us.....and that our best friends were right in front of us all along.

 

living it = sharing it

So we gave what we had, and we had to learn how to take what others had to give, too. We share what we have learned.....so many hard things are happening in the world right now...so many struggling families and tired souls and scared birdies.........So, we gave what we could....I shared what I'd learned....even though I was afraid...I told what I knew...what we had been through...that was what I could give.....

 

And then....the worries went away....things showed up, right on time......always.......sometimes at the brink of what seemed to be the end of it all......but some kind of currency always showed up. Everything we gave grew and grew and grew....even though it seemed so small and was certainly worthless in a worldly way....love came back as even bigger love...in all of it's forms.

The best thing was what my children have seen and learned. On Christmas Eve, we had the opportunity to give what we had and gather what others had and help a friend who's house had burnt down......we filled the green machine with gifts from others and we delivered it all...it felt so good. Christmas felt complete.

We arrived home on Christmas Eve to a huge pile of unexpected love that had been left home for our family...........love from some of those people that I mentioned I would never have met this year if things had not happened the way that they had happened.....love that we could have kept surviving without......but that made our burden light.......like.....we were hiking uphill with a backpack full of rocks.....and each one of these newfound angels took a rock from our backpack......until there were no more rocks....and we could walk without burden. It was a relief that I can not begin to describe with words and one that I was not anticipating, I lost all control of emotion when I felt that lightness finally......we all did. My children witnessed it....it was the biggest pile of love I have ever seen, bursting out of the edges.....and....I just sobbed, I just lost it........because I knew........it was life's currency.......and it will go on and on and on and on. 

 

And none of this EVER would have happened....not ONE of these 10 miracles, if things hadn't have happened the way things had happened. Even the crappy stuff.....especially the crappy stuff.

Things always work out in the end...if they haven't worked out yet, you're not quite to the end. Be brave, stick with it...see the miracles...........

Life really is beautiful.

xoxoxo

melody

*************************************************************************************************************************

The beginning of the journey to the miracle of now: (sorry about a couple of swear words...it was a rough time...and sorry about the personal nature of this journal entry that I had to type out from a handwritten journal...i just felt very very compelled to share it)

I had decided that I wanted to sell my company, I was just very very tired........I knew it was time...but it took a few years and a whole lot of hell for it to finally be out of my life......and, even though things were tough at this time, just a year after Marq's accident...things were gonna get a whole lot tougher.......so glad we made it through.

May 17, 2005

Today’s the day I announced my decision about my career to my best friends. I could say that today’s the day I made the decision, but I know that the decision was made on a drive through the mountains about a month ago – where the darkness of Marq’s condition left both of us silent – even though we decided to go on a long drive so that we could talk.

I am sitting in the San Francisco airport – on a 5 hour layover, and in the first 30 minutes after I arrived here from my flight from New York City, my phone rang no less than 10 times; picking the office colors, because they just decided to paint the whole thing brown, and I am making them repaint it – A 3 year lease, the only ‘real’ office we’ve had in 8 years…still, I know.

Last night, siting in a small room at the Hotel Pennsylvania – with Jeanne, and all of her bags and books and treasures from her Australian trip, which she flew directly to New York from – and clothes, and my bags, my turquoise suitcase set – and more clothes, and electronics and phones charging – the bed was just big enough for 2 exhausted women to get ther token 3 hour nighttime nap – and Jeanne was having hers.

And I again, was on the phone – juggling Marq’s horrid day and my fear that he wouldn’t live to see another. He finally called me – after I called and called and finally had the kids unlock his bedroom door and make sure he was up there, and breathing. And in between, calls from China, a lost $80,000 wire transfer, holding up production – and calls back home to interrupt my bookkeeper on her date so she can verify that it really was sent. And calls across Manhattan to my sales and procurement guys to make sure that China was not running me through the gauntlet – and in between, calls from home….5 precious kids who are raising, feeding and caring for themselves and each other. “we ate our pizza and vegetables” I put them on speaker, and Jeanne laughs “we had carrots, brocolli and cauliflower” ...I cry… “Mom, when are you going to be home?” I tell them I’ll be home tomorrow before the big kids get home from school at 3. Then Marq calls, and he sounds suicidal and I am certain that he is. He is sobbing, I wish I could sob. I wish so deeply – in a place I didn’t even know existed – that I could just stop being so damned strong and that I could fall apart for a while and just sob. –But nobody could really pick up all of those pieces and hold everything together, so, I don’t sob. I only let 3 or 4 tears squeeze out and I tell him I’ll be home tomorrow. I hang up and call his dad, he says he’ll get Michael and get in the car and head over to help him. I am half relieved and half afraid, because when he finds out that I called his dad, he’ll be furious with me. But at least I can sleep my 3 hours knowing that he’ll still be around when I get home.

And then my sales and procurement guys call and we talk about how the China deal is going, it is past midnight by this time – and I am just so so so tired. I lay on my side of the bed, still holding back sobs – and Jeanne wakes up – sort of – and talks in her sleep – and just keeps asking over and over again “How’s Marq?” and I just don’t know what to say.

And Alei calls back to tell me if there’s a red eye that I could catch to get home to Marq sooner, get back in the morning instead of in the afternoon. When I hear her voice and the key she has to open up the floodgates of my dammed up sobbing, I almost lose it. She’s home with her kids, they are eating a late dinner of pizza after baseball. I try to keep it all together – all business – there is no earlier flight.

I set my alarm, call for a 5am taxi – arrange my clothes for tomorrow, put on a clean t-shirt, wash my face with cold cream, letting our a few more tears that the cream will hide – and I lay down again – and Jeanne sits up, looks over at me and tells me that I am covered with big polka dots, then she lays back down and starts to snore. I closed my eyes and the next thing I know, Jeanne was answering the 4am wakeup call I had set. I did not even hear my alarm. I got up, got dressed, we talked for a bit…about Marq, about China, Jeanne took my hand and said a beautiful prayer, and she was wide-awake and ready to start the day. She talked to me about keeping my employees more accountable, she told me that I needed to visualize Marq as a healed being. I locked up the gate. We hugged and said goodbye and I lugged my stuff down to the road.

I slept all the way from NYC to San Francisco, then the phonecalls started. My layover was supposed to be 3 hours, but when I arrived here at the gate, I see that we are 1.5 hours late. I won’t be home until 5:30pm…that’s 14 hours after I left NYC. 

I am wiped out. The thought of going home is bitter-sweet. I can’t wait to see my kids. I am afraid to see my husband. I called Alei a few minutes ago to tell her about my decision to sell the business, she told me that she had planned that it would be the first discussion that we would have when I got home – so nothing but support from her. I begged her to make sure that I don’t change my mind. And then Cynthia called, then Jeanne, and they both want me to go in the fashion direction – and I just want to write and I will. It will take me a year or so to get the company in a position to sell, and I really want to take care of my employees, maybe they can all stay.

And I also decided to take the summer off…to write. So I’ll make a plan, and the company will keep going, just fine, really. And things just have to be that way. I can not do it like this anymore.

I miss feeling like I can go home to peace, and being cared for, taken care of…cherished. I don’t believe I’ve ever longed for something so deeply as I long for having my husband back. When I get home, I’ve got to make some real plans, make some difficult choice, and take control of my life, my business & Marq’s recovery. There’s too much to squeeze in, and every thing gets diluted when I am spread so thin. I am going to allot an entire day  to sob. I will rent a hotel room and pour my heart out –and then I’ll be purged, and I can start over. I miss the time when Marq could hold me together. I miss being able to count on him to be the strong, predictable and sensible one – it gave me all that I needed to be whomever and whatever I felt I needed to be. Now, I feel isolated from the decision to even desire a partner, because he can’t be that for me. I don’t want to desire it because either I open the door for more pain and disappointment, or I open the door to things that could ease my pain, perhaps, temporarily – but would destroy my life, OUR life.

It’s more difficult than anyone could ever imagine, to have had the love of a lifetime turn apathetic on you. My heart aches through every blink that my eyes make –and then- it carries through into my sleeping dreams. So many times, my first waking minutes are spent cursing that my life has to continue this way – that it wasn’t just a nightmare.

And I wish I could just sleep through it. I wish I could take a pill that make my feelings non-existant. But I won’t do that, because there’s 5 children who need at least one parent. And I need me, too. I’m all I’ve really got to hold myself together. There’s so much too- to be thankful for…which I will write down, I am just so so so tired.

THINGS THAT ARE GOOD:
1.    I get to see the kids a few hours. They’ll run with their arms open wide and yell “Mommy!!!” and the older ones will say “Hey Mom” and give me a hug – and that will be enough to make me keep going for another day.

2.    My office will be painted when I get back.

3.    The weather should be good tomorrow

4.    I have amazing friends, all over the world – people that I would do anything for, and they would do anything for me. I have an incredible support group and I am never alone.

5.    I feel inspired to do some really creative things, and I have not felt that way in a long time..

6.    I have great connections and relationships and I will be able to move on to other endeavors easily when I am ready

7.    My kids are exceptional – I never could have gotten through this without them.

8.    I know that Heavenly Father is aware of everything that’s going on, and that He’ll jump in as soon as I can’t take one more thing.

9.    I got some great clothes in NYC, and lost a few pounds.

10.    Our company has a great reputation in the industry, even our competitors are willing to help us out. I really believe that we’ll be able to live without worry, financial worries, because of our blessings in the company. I love and trust my employees very very much.



Friday, May 21

I am home. Chelsea gets married tomorrow. That is another sorrow for me, not being able to be more a part of her wedding plans, and her life. It has been too busy and also entirely too painful to do so much of this without Marq, but I WILL NOT miss her wedding for anything, I will go alone if I have to, although Marq said that he really wants to go. I hope he’s up to it. Tonight we have a family dinner with her new in-laws, I am afraid of what could happen, but we are going to try to go.

I ended up getting home from my trip at 6pm. I walked as slowly as I could as I could back to the luggage claim. I actually didn’t even make it there. I sat down on some chairs at the bottom of the escalator and just collapsed. The confusion, guilt & sorrow of deciding whether or not I was happy to be home got the best of me. I sat for 15 minutes before I called Marq – when I called, he was right outside the door and he walked in. The sadness when I saw him almost completely overcame me. I nearly collapsed, he just looks so different – and even when he tries, he really doesn’t seem to have any interest in me. All of the research I have done says that apathy and egocentrism are two of the major symptoms – that he really doesn’t have the capacity to think of anyone but himself – and, I have been obsessively doing more research to find out if he will ever return to how he was before. This is the part that is devastating to me…..the part that I don’t know if I can come to terms with.

We spoke very little on the way home. I could feel all of the cracks in my heart giving way and starting to gape open – bleeding. I am wearing-down to the point of not being able to numb the pain – not being able to pretend that this is all ok with me. I am angry. I am resentful. I am sad and lonely and weak. Reality is hitting and it’s so much more overwhelming than I ever let myself believe.

We got home, and he brought my bags in, then went outside, he said he couldn’t stand how loud the kids were. So I started to unpack and I hung-out with the kids. His parents came over, I cried with his mom…he came inside for a few minutes and went back outside. I started to read the notebook that Bev gave me in NYC about coping with brain injury. I went upstairs and laid on the bed in my clothes – too much – I felt like I couldn’t move from there ever again, I was sticky and dirty and worn from travel. I heard Marq coming up the stairs and I closed my eyes so we wouldn’t have to have another uncomfortable, meaningless, numb conversation – silence is better, believe it or not. 

He came in and put some things away, then laid on the bed, in his clothes, with his face next to mine, and said “I’m so sorry I’m like this” –but it wasn’t an “I’m sorry, I’ll change” it was an “I’m sorry your life is going to be this way” –and I put my hand on his cheek, looked into those same eyes that used to love me deeper than the center of the ocean – only a year ago, and I got up and took a shower, and in the shower…there’s no excuse NOT to sob, because the tears mix with the water, and the moans are drowned-out by the water hitting the tile, and I can even pretend like I don’t hear it or feel it – and maybe that’s why I started taking baths almost every day since the accident. So in the shower I cried, a lot. Then I got out, dried-off and put on a towel and thought maybe if I came to bed like that, we could have a few minutes of a normal marriage. My body is in the best shape of my life. So, I tried, but nothing – except his back to my face, which I rubbed, while I cried more, until I went to sleep…for a few hours. He couldn’t go to sleep, probably until 3 or 4am. I woke up every hour and asked if there was anything I could do, and I did what I could, and I got up to ehlp the kids off to school, read my emails – didn’t go to the gym, got ready for a long day of meetings, unpacked my suitcases, hung out with my baby boys, straightened my crazy hari form going to bed with it wet, got my schedule for the day…had an early meeting at my house with Christy.. Marq finally came downstairs just before I left. He didn’t say much, but at least he looked at me.

 

LOOOOOVE NEW FRIENDS!!!! YAY!

Hi friends!

Ok...so, I have this really great blog post all written and ready to go...and the ONLY thing I can think of that stinks about having really creative kids is that now they use all of my stuff.....so, my oldest daughter and I share/fight over the card reader, cameras, etc......and I have NO CARD READER because she left it at school....so BLOG POST coming soon w lovely lovely photos....

FOR NOW!!! YAY!!!!!!! Gail just sent me these photos from my trip to Los Angeles last week.....

I had the wonderful opportunity of making a few friends that will be lifetimers, I can just feel it...many talks and laughs over approaching middle age, balancing creativity with life, and just plain old girl stuff......

This is Cheryl Waters, the famous Fiskateer from Fiskars scissor company...can you tell how much I love her???? And it's not even because of all of the scissors and tools I am holding that she gifted me with....BUT, it's actually, because she has THE MOST AMAZING SOUL....she is wonderful, lovely, beautiful and creative....a true blue through and through brave girl....love her...

And of course, same goes for Cathie Filian.......the official Mod Podge spokesperson.....and, I don't just love her because Mod Podge changes lives at BRAVE GIRL CAMP, or because SHE is also using my new paper line in the Pod Podge CHA display (YAY!!!).....but I LOVE THIS WOMAN because she is so wonderful, creative, kind, warm, funny and awesome......SO THANKFUL FOR NEW FRIENDS!!!!

 

 

This is my tool, ChipArt....wooohoooo! It is so awesome! Can't wait til I have the whole program in my  hands so I can photograph it and show you  just how cool it is. 

I can see the exhaustion in my eyes in this photos (we worked out booties off on this trip!)....but also the BLISS....the HAPPINESS.....

I LOVE NEW FRIENDS!!! Leaving for CHA in 2 weeks...can't wait to make even more new friends and catch up with old ones too.....

life is good!
xoxox

melody 

    

What a very nice day!

First of all, today my pal, Margie, launched her new signature paper line....I am so proud of her....

check it out here

NEXT.......I am so over the top honored to have been interviewed by Moxie Fab.....the lovely and chic, Cath Edvalson......check out the interview here......so fun, so sweet, such a total honor....

 

I am blogging later today.....come on back...this next post has been a labor of love....to find the right words to truly express what my miracle #10 has meant to my life.

xoxox

melody

Whirlwind trip....

Hello Lovelies!!!!!

I just had so much fun, but have not worked that hard in a very long time...good thing that I adore Gail and she is just as in sane as I am when it comes to working til the job gets done....we worked so hard and had so much fun at the same time...... Just got back....still working on miracle #10....amidst crazy deadlines and lots of pre-CHA excitement.

 
......had a really great time, though we worked about 20 hours a day....and squeezed in SO MUCH on this trip......one of my favorite parts....an all day trip to the fabric district in downtown Los Angeles....and a teeny little trip to the beach where my camera phone actually caught a bird in flight!
Another favorite? Spending the afternoon crafting with the queen of Mod Podge, Cathie Filian..........so much more to tell, just thought I'd stop by and say hello.....more blogging coming very soon....heading out on a date with one very good-looking bald man before I head into the art cave for a few weeks of deadlines!

check out Cathie Filians blog post about when we all played with my new ChipArt tool collection that I designed for GCD Studios...fun fun fun!!!

Be back soon!

xoxox

melody

HAPPY TWENTY TEN!

I have a very special post planned for my miracle #10......but I have to catch a plane and I am not quite ready...need a few more pretty/compelling/worthathousandwords images...and I just don't want to rush this one...sooo, I promise I will get it out early next week when I get back.

THANK YOU for joining me on this little miracle journey...my only goal that I am having for the New Year (I have learned NOT to put pressure on myself-Yellows DO NOT LIKE it heehee) is to get back to blogging......it has been very very FUN for me, and healing and has enriched my life tremendously to go back these last few weeks and look at the journey to now......so, while I am not gonna tell you HOW much I am gonna  blog, I will say that I am finally "feeling it" again and want to make it a regular part of my day/week....so I hope you will keep coming back! My blog readership more than quadrupled the last few weeks....very humbling and exciting and encouraging.

SO THANK-YOU 2009.....I loved you even though I didn't like you sometimes.....I really did love you. I always will.....

SEE YOU SOON!! Can't wait to tell you what I am up to!!!! SO MUCH TO TELL when I get back from this trip!

xoxoxo

melody

OOOOOH, Check out my new biz cards..I love them....I took off the contact info because I'm not ready to show you the new website addy yet...but I will be soon!!! Just wanted you to see my new cards...LOVE THEM!

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