Brave Girl Camp Chronicles, Part II …plus a little diversion
I remember a giant realization several years back. It was a life-changer, because it brought something into my life that I thought would be forever illusive, unattainable. I learned that you can be afraid and still be brave. I learned, in fact, that bravery meant looking fear in the face and doing it anyway…whatever “it” is.
I can honestly say that I have done a lot of things in my life that have been very brave for me…..for others they may have been easy things to do, and that is totally ok….but I know for sure that I have looked fear in the face and done things anyway…and almost always, I was very glad I went for it. Some of those things I will never do again, some of them I decided to make important parts of my life.
A friend wrote something today about how important it is sometimes to share our “secret shame” in order to help others……..
I have had such a weird month. It’s been a month since we all got home from Brave Girl Camp……almost all of us have had a weird month. When your life makes such an enormous shift in just a few days…..and lots of other things externally stay the same, you are in this weird place that is inches or miles from what you knew and understood before that. It is unsettling, it is scary. It may even make you angry. It is essential for growth. It is essential for the joy and light to be able to enter in….the whole truth…..the truth is sometimes scary and shocking and new and wild and exciting and overwhelming….but the truth is always the best, the only way to move into the life that is YOUR life…just for you, meant for you, meant for serving others in ways only you can…..your truth is your truth….and only yours…
I have been trying to process the beauty mixed with the grief of the last month. I gotta come clean on why it’s been so hard for me to write. I made some big decisions when I got home. I know we all did, some of us didn’t even know it was happening, but our souls made big decisions and made us stick by them. I have been so intentional……so quiet, and have just been sitting and listening. I stopped, somehow, some really addictive behaviors, my binge sugar eating got worse for a week or so and then it stopped…..I stopped wasting hours on the computer………now, you might think this was all a wildly good thing (and it is) but…it has been incredibly uncomfortable, even painful. I even stopped drinking soda….stopped going to Sonic every day. The more addictions I have given up, the more my heart starts talking. It’s like I have been stifling my deepest everything with tons of caffeine, chocolate, work, researching, online socializing and food……(can you believe I am bearing all of this dirty laundry?) My soul has had some things to say………..some have been hard to hear….old issues that have gone unresolved wanted to be finally heard and comforted and sure that I had not forgotten……and that I would not repeat old behaviors or actions…..or that I was working toward healing things that I have stuffed down down down………..and dreams, goals, aspirations have started to show up….accompanied by their bully doubts and fears…….all of them yelling at the same time for attention……………..
My secret shame is that I still have so many fears. I think I always will. I don’t like this….I think it is part of who I am and what I must overcome throughout my life. I have absolutely gotten into a habit of overcoming my fears, but then new ones come up. I had a false assumption that if I kept overcoming my fears, someday I would wake up and not have fears……..and I kinda found ways to trick myself into thinking it was true…..because I found distractions….if you drink enough caffeine or eat enough chocolate or engross yourself in information overload on the internet…..or work…..you don’t have to think about anything else…………there’s the truth. I have been avoiding/distracting. But when you turn off your fears…you often turn off the rest of the parts of you that are trying to communicate.
Ok……so…..Brave Girl Camp.
People keep asking me why so many women had absolutely life-changing experiences……it is SO hard to put into words………..but, one of the biggest things that happens in the absolute AWARENESS of what is true and what is not true in your life….when you can operate from a place of solid, good, reliable and true information…..you can make powerful decisions, tremendous progress and heal all the places that have been wounded and destroyed by the lies…..
Fears are often lies….most of mine are. My fears have changed over time. Because I have done so many things and been in so many situations and lived through so many experiences….many of my fears are based on my past experiences. Still…..fears are not real….so they can not be the truth. Sometimes fear is a gift to protect us……..sometimes it’s hard to distinguish whether we are dealing with a gift or a lie……that’s why fears are so tricky…….
So….that is why it’s so important to deal with the truths…..
So our first big exercise is to create our truths………at practice camp….we made a book called “A Little Bird Told Me” and…..it is filled with TRUTHS about us….our lives, who we really are, what we really can accomplish…..and….basically, we take the lies….the mean voices in our heads, and we combat them with TRUTHS…..they are messages from Heaven…from God, from your guardian angel, your grandfather…anyone who loves you unconditionally and knows everything about you (that is the little bird bringing you the message)…….it is a powerful, beautiful exercise….
Here are the pages from my book. (if you want to read the messages more closely, just double click on the photo and it will pop up bigger...and sorry for the quality of some of these.......)
When I got home from camp……I was on a high for days and days…..and then my heart said…”hey, remember all of that stuff we just learned?” and I knew I had to make some changes, confront some “lies” and search for more truths………….it has been an intense journey…..I know it has been for the other girls too…..painful and beautiful and essential…..we all wanted to get through some barriers….and we have……
I went for a walk about a week later. I have developed a relationship with Heaven over the years that is unique and wonderful for me. God often speaks to me in images….especially when the message is really important for my growth. I knew there was something I needed to hear on my walk…..and I felt like I should bring my camera.
In a swampy ditch I saw how when we let things pile up….it stops the flow. We have to clean out the blockages so our water can flow freely.
I saw this broken light. Now….this made me cry because I knew it was for me. Since this lightpole is over 20 feet tall…I have no idea how it got tipped like that…and you know what? It doesn’t matter……because the light feels broken….and it is broken…but…my message was….JUST SCREW IN A NEW LIGHTBULB and PUT YOUR HEAD BACK ON…then SHINE BABY, SHINE…….it’s not broken…the light is just burned out……..new lightbulb….all is well….no big deal.
Then…a bird flew right past my face…almost saying “hey watch me…watch me!!!” So, I stopped and watched…then she flew way up and in some crazy, weird way….somehow staying in the air, in ONE spot for 30 seconds or more………………flapping her wings like CRAZY and not going forward ONE INCH…..like there was massive, tremendous wind blowing against her….I was in awe….then, she moved over just a few inches, spread her wings and just rode on the wind….gliding effortlessly, beautifully……………making huge progress without much work….she looked like she was having a blast…..and she just moved over a few inches.
I thought for a second……..hmmmmm….I am sorta like that. Stubborn. I know I need to move over a few inches…but I wanna see if I flap hard enough if I can beat this wind.
Then I thought…I am so lame…..that was not even a message for me.
I kept walking….
And saw a birdie in a tree……….she flew right in front of my face…and did the EXACT SAME THING as the last bird, in the exact same spot.
Ok…I got the message.
Finally………..I saw this roadblock. Here’s where the biggest, most surprising message of all came…and I thought I knew what it was all about. On this day, I had submitted a bunch of my designs for a very big meeting, a very huge and important product line with a very fabulous company. I was absolutely positive that they were going to say no. I was bracing myself for it….so, when I saw this sign and knew I was supposed to internalize it…I knew that now was not my time…that maybe someday this road would be opened for me. Frankly, there was a huge part of me that was relieved. I tried my hardest and now I did not have to face my big fears of putting more of my work out into the world.
Well….a week went by and I didn’t hear anything. So, yeh….it was not meant to be…maybe someday.
Fears can settle down now.
Then…..the suprising call came…..the first meeting was a YES.
Then another meeting was a YES
Then the big meeting was an even BIGGER YES.
And I was confused. And scared. And……….shouldn’t I have been really excited??? Well, I was excited too. But then the lies started….
“remember what happened last time you were successful? It ruined your life”
“people will not like what you make!”
“you suck, get over yourself, you are a joke!”
“you can never pull this off”
“you are lame, forget about it,don’t do it!”
“you are not strong enough to do this again”
“you are going to make a fool of yourself”
“that part of your life is over, stop trying so hard”
But……..
What the sign meant this time was….get ready, girl……it’s time for this road to be opened up. (read that sign again……it says the road IS going to open)
And…since I got home……….one door of opportunity has opened after another…..big, beautiful opportunities that totally make sense and align with all of my goals for Brave Girls Club….and allow me to work from home and focus on cherishing and loving my family and friends. And, every day, I have to swallow my fears….or spit them out, and the ugly lies…actually, and seek the truths………………that is just ONE of the gifts of Brave Girl Camp….so many more to share.
So….it’s time to pull out my book of truths. And…..finish the other projects we worked on…which I will show soon.
Pretty soon I get to show you a bunch of the products I have been working on that will be in stores soon………….then everyone will know where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing and how it will make its so that I can actually breathe in 2010 when all of these products are everywhere……and I will be able to blog…and maybe even get a car…..and make pretty things………and all of this hard work is finally paying off!
Here’s to the truth………find it today and squash the lies.
xoxooxxo
Melody Ross
p.s.
now that I spilled my guts….I will be giving you more Brave Girl Camp memoirs…..next AMAZING, FABULOUS and WONDERFUL camp is in February….to sign up…go to www.bravegirlsclub.com to the register page
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