When I wrote last time I certainly had not intended to wait a few months before I came back...but, that’s what happened. Time has gone by and life has been surprising and awe-filled and weird and wild and hard to explain...and I guess that’s what it is...just hard to explain in words. I am not sure how much more time will pass after I write this entry....I hope it won’t be too much..... I feel like I am getting my mojo and my energy back....but I am being careful with it...I am learning that we all have limitations...like it or not.
And, truly truly truly.....I have needed rest and quiet from life-noise...lots of it. Rest from thinking and being so deeply involved in the game of life. I didn’t know how much I needed to just step back and look at things....and, once I did, how huge the discoveries would be...how awesome and surprising and sometimes devastating and complex and beautiful....and just how much processing it would require.....and how raw and dumb-struck I would be some days when I was really really honest with where I am and where life is and where I really want to go...and who I want to go with...and what I want to be...and what I don’t want to be....and how many days are really left to do it all...and what will wait and what will absolutely not....and what honest-to-goodness requires me and only me....and what I truly truly have no meaningful impact on whatsoever but have wasted much energy trying to impact....and what I am really here to do....and not do....and what life is all about anyway...and Who is in charge....and where I fit inside of all of that....
I didn’t even know it was going to happen, so I didn’t say...see you in 2 months. But then I found this book and started doing the exercises inside of it and this is the greatest gift for creative souls that I have ever seen...please get this book if you are an artist who feels compelled to share your art....I will tell you so much more later....this is not so much about being an entrepreneur...but how to work inside of this big bad world as a creative person who wears their heart on their sleeve.....and it has been a miracle for me....I know it would be for you too...I am doing this book along with a couple of my best girlfriends and we are all having lifechanging experiences that are compelling enough to make us change our lives into what they are really meant to be.
THE CREATIVE ENTREPRENEUR - By Lisa Sonora Beam
And I came home from my big show in February and I was just tired tired tired. Soooooo tired...not sad or mad or depressed or hopeless or anything like that....just tired. I knew it was time to rest. I didn’t know that it would take months. I have been creating up a storm....in an artistic nirvana....And while I rested from people and places...my mind and heart have gone on overdrive......thinking about all of it....but, not really with an ability to make sense of any of it as a whole.....but with dreams and pictures so big, about what it all means, that all I have been able to do is paint and draw and write random thoughts in journal after journal after journal.....and figure out and honor and enjoy my children and my place in their life and my wonderful marriage after all these years without one (we never want to be apart again, we are spending much time figuring out creative ways to be together 24/7 for the rest of our life)......so....that’s where I have been.
I have been observing. I have been on the sidelines....a spectator. I have been asking my self SO MANY questions...and really really REALLY listening to the answers. I have not ever let myself do this without a lot of guilt or shame....this time....no guilt, no shame.......no apologies.....lots of peace....lots of coming to terms....lots of brain/heart discussions where the heart gets heard finally......and where the heart is validated because it knows....and where the brain is put in it’s place because it thinks it knows....but really just needs to do what the heart tells it to do....my heart needed rest and quiet and not many distractions. My heart has been very very tired.....and my heart has had A LOT to say to ME that I have not been stopping to listen to.I know you can relate.
I came today to tell you that I love you for coming here to check again and again....for the emails and notes....for the encouragement. I am good...so good...better than ever. I am anxious to get back to this writing....and it is so so soon. I am anxious to tell you about my upcoming retreats and many other things I am working on....that Marq and I are working on together. It is so exciting and wonderful and right. I am getting myself rested up and ready for a whole new chapter in life....I am being a SPECTATOR right now...mostly of my own self...and of others that I want to be like...and of life, and of all good things. I can’t wait to tell you what I have learned.