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OK! Family, Friends...blog friends...here's an update, as promised! It's super long but I left no stone unturned...ok, I lied...I left tons of stones unturned...but my goodness....too much has happened, we would be here all night!
Good Grief...starting over is hard...
and interesting....
and all-encompassing....and confusing and exciting and exhausting....and scary.
.....and an incredible blessing.....yes...we are starting over.....
.....back at go...starting all over again on so many levels....
...starting over financially
...starting over in our marriage
...starting over in figuring out who we are, together, and individually....
getting a sort of do-over....
but, with a history to draw from....a history that is bittersweet because I want pieces of it back, because I cherished those pieces...but also there's so much of it that wasn't constructive or necessary or healthy or right for my life anymore....for our life....my family, me...my soul....you know what I mean?
...and then there's so much on this new path that was just waiting for us...so much that never would make it's way into our life without this path we've traveled.
I can hardly believe it's been 4 years since Marq's brain injury...and I can hardly believe the man he has become because of it....I can hardly believe who I am because of it.....I certainly am in awe at what our life has become because of it...even though so much of it is a pile of rubble behind us.
This has all been such a huge miracle....a huge, weird, beautiful miracle.
I am convinced...
we are where we are for a reason....and we are exactly where we are supposed to be...every single one of us. I have learned that I AM LEARNING....every single second....and that makes it so much easier to be gentle with myself and with life and with others and with things that don't make a bit of sense until much, much later...if ever.
I found this in my journal....when did I sketch and write this page? I have no idea.....some time in the last year...I am going to share the rest of it with you in a minute...but first i am going to tell you about last week.........and the day I found the abondoned butterfly nursery....or womb...or whatever you call it...the place that butterflies become butterflies...
You see....I happened upon these little gifts when I was walking through the "forest" about 10 minutes from our house....a place I didn't even really ever consider......Marq was preparing to facilitate a leadership training for some teenagers...and, he was scoping out the location. I asked if I could come....I had decided that it was time for me to start taking pictures again...and, I didn't know what I was gonna find, but I figured it was somewhere I had never been, so it would be good to go along....I am so glad I did. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO TURN YOUR SWITCH BACK ON.....you see....I have not been able to find my words...at all. I have not been able to write letters or have deep conversations or even write words in my journals....hence, the lack of blog entries.......it's dumb, I know...it sure sounds dumb....but I would try to explain it to marq or my friends and I would even try to explain it to myself...and.......only pictures would come out...first I felt like this:
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WORDS SAY: "Instead of spending time in a hospital wing, how about a WING HOSPITAL?"
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and then it moved on to this.....where I would TRY to get some words out...but it just came out in loads and loads and loads and loads of art...of every kind...I have been in my studio nonstop...day and night...making art....beautiful, soulful art...but absolutely no words would come...it has been painful.
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I have thought that maybe I would never be able to express myself in writing again....such an outlet for me...such a way of telling others how much I love them....and how I see things...a way of connecting...can you imagine? I felt like my tongue got cut off and I didn't know sign language...
BUT...I found those empty butterfly houses next to this trail...and everything came back:
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Well....
I sat there all by myself and thought about what happens inside of this green casing...where the caterpillar turns to mush.......
so crazy
so wild...
I mean....really think about it...
this furry little guy climbs up a weed...like the one up there that I found....and he puts himself into this green little mummy bag.....
and he turns to mush
and then.........what the heck happens in there??
MORE HERE FROM MY JOURNAL...
It reads "How could I have run this far and this fast to find out that I just BARELY got to the right path?"
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then I realized...
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Let me tell you what I just figured out....
THAT
......well, I had this odd sort of realization that put me into shock...made me mute..........that....our cocoon was empty....especially marq's...I guess that's the part that I had not come to terms with.
he was in there for 4 years.
...and now he is out.
...and I am out.
...what are we supposed to do now???? I think he has figured it out.....but, me....wow....I have been taking care of him for 4 years and I have pretty much forgotten how to throw myself into anything else.
HOLY SHEESH has he taken flight.....
He found his tribe and he is soaring....he's back to leading and serving and living as his highest self....except...he's even more multi-faceted...he's a wild and crazy authentic soulful intense version of his former self....he doesn't want to waste a second of the life he got back....
I wonder if it HAD to take that time as a pile of mush to get to here...
to remember who he is and what he is here for.
IF YOU KNEW WHAT THIS WAS...YOU WOULD BE IMPRESSED....(this was the thing that turned his switch back on)
he is amazing:
so...
he found his tribe....
AND
For four years I had to walk away from mine..........my art, my passions, my social life, everything (except for him) and it's so weird to step back into it all after 4 years have passed....well, I am finally ready fly back into it...and I am actually so glad I gave myself these few months to rest and think and figure things out...to remember....and I have been...now that I have figured out what my uneasiness has been about...what has made me mute....I can look at say...HEY....I have wings....and I gotta use 'em.
Mine were broken for a while......or maybe I just thought they were.
SO...during my time of no words.....I have been illustrating the book I wrote called "SHE DID IT ANYWAY"...here's some of the illustrations:
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and I have been making jewelry again:
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and I am taking pottery lessons!!! It's WAAAY harder than it looks!
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....and, my favorite thing ever... I have been making so much stuff with people I love..........people from my artsy "tribe"....who my daughters are part of YAY!!! like here...we are making baby hair bows for Bentlee...my soon to be great-niecee....I can't wait til she's here....LOVE YOU CHELS...thanks for letting me take photos of your preggo self...
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YES, we made THAT many hair clips to put on the little baby headbands...COME ON...SHE NEEDS ONE FOR EVERY OUTFIT!!!
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ok
what else have I been doing? TOTALLY CONNECTING WITH FRIENDS
making them things....
spending time with them when they are going through rough spots...man, I hate how many years went by where I couldn't 'be there' for my friends....I am so thankful to be able to be there for especially a few of my sweet friends who are going through the hardest stuff I could ever imagine...glad I have time to make them blankets and gift books with all the words in my heart
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and to do stuff like...decorating for their baby showers...
going to lunch and dinner and art shows and consignment and thrift shops....
it's been a LONG TIME since I have done this stuff!!! I feel like I am coming back alive....so thankful that we made it through...so looking forward to this new time in our life.
My friend Patti came from San Francisco this week......I love her so much...we had such a blast...she has a really successful design firm right in the city and I have had THE BEST TIMES with her...she is amazing and she has taught me so much...but...we took this photo and I ALMOST photoshopped all of my wrinkles out....made myself look younger...
then I thought....I EARNED THESE WRINKLES!
and I have.
SO, take it or leave it...this is me...but....in 48 hours I will be a blonde again.....
OH...and I am 3 weeks into a horrid, awful, bootcamp...but I am almost back in my skinny jeans....blehk...I am never gonna stop going to the gym again.
WELL...there's an update...as promised.
that's what I've been up to and I am ready to fly, soul sisters.
YAY FOR THE FINISH LINE that is ACTUALLY THE BEGINNING!!!
Talk to you all so soon,
Melody
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